Warrior Moms Are Such A Pain In The Butt

Warrior Moms. That sounds like a good thing right? But I’m not so sure. I see Warrior Moms all the time. In fact I am one, but I try to control myself.

Generally, I see Warrior Moms at the YMCA with their children. Warrior Mom wants her off-spring to work out with her. But the kiddos are bored, annoyed, embarassed and they only want to text.

Warrior Mom gets on the treadmill and bounds gracefully like a doe, her bob or short pony tail bouncing in rhythm with her New Balance running shoes. Sweat glistens on her freshly tanned and toned shoulders. She convices her pale and squishy child to get on the treadmill or elliptical next to her’s. But the child only wants to play with his new I-pod and refuses to do anything more than stroll. Nooooo running.

Warrior Mom can bench more than her 14 year old son, run faster than her 16 year old daughter and do more girl push ups than her trainer. But her kid doesn’t care and really doesn’t want to work out with her.¬†Much less be her “fitness buddy” or “5K Partner”.

Ok, here’s what the Warrior Mom is thinking. We are desprate to stay in shape because old age is right around the corner and it’s freaking awful. If we can work out enough maybe we can hang on to middle-aged hotness for a little while longer. And working out feels good. We are so so sad we didn’t start exercising when we were younger and the wasted years make us sad. We are always thinking “imagine what we could have been”. And we don’t want our children to face the same middle aged regret.

And, we are frustrated because our children “don’t get it” . They don’t understand or care that right now they are at their prime, they could be physical works of art if they just put a little effort into it. And we really really want our children to feel and look wonderful. We desperately want whats best for them and that includes health. Basically we don’t ever want our kids to get fat, hate their own reflections, be weak or unhealthy.

Here’s what the kids are thinking. They know they will never get old…like Warrior Mom. And the kids really wish she’d find another old person to work out with. The kids don’t think fitness is important and it feels weird and kind of creepy to be the youngest and puniest person in the gym. The kid knows everybody is looking at them and they are probably right. So, to avoid making eye contact they look at their phones and pretend someone just texted them or stare at their I-Pods.

“Example”14 year old stops completely on the treadmill and says, “I have to find a good song to run to I can’t run without music,” then they spend ten minutes poking and punching while Warrior Mom sighs.

But kids, if you read this far, here’s the deal. We love you, that’s why we want you to exercise with us. It’s not because you’re not perfect, it’s simply because we love you more than anything else on the planet. So don’t be too harsh with your Warrior Moms.¬† Be proud and let her open jars for you.

So what’s the secret to getting your kid to work out? Well, for me, I think it’s money. I’ll never be cool enough for Lexie to work out with again. But I think, if I offer her $100 dollars to run the next 5K with me, she might consider.

Anyone who says bribing a child is wrong….never had children.