Tag: sex

Men Want Hot…It’s Just A Fact and It Kind of Sucks

I know so many 45-55 year old men who would give up both their pinkies fingers to be with a 25 year old woman. They would book a room in a heart beat cause that’s the way guys are. For most men, youth is the hottest attribute and the most fleeting, once it’s gone, it’s soo gone.

When I look at 25 year old men I think, wow, he’s go nice skin but…

The men on the other hand, do not care that the 25 year old hottie doesn’t care what’s going on in the Middle East, doesnt’ know who James Taylor is, they only tip ten percent and they don’t get most jokes. Yeah, she’s got nice skin and pretty teeth but…

Men need and and want something different. I understand why and what they want, intellectually but it’s just not the same. When men watch stripers and pole dancers they actually want them. When most (not all) women watch the Chippendale dudes it’s fun and silly but we don’t actually want to carry those young men home because they are youthful morons.

I’m gonna say it and you can howl if you want to. Most men don’t actually care if a woman is smart. Yeah, they want smart friends to talk to and they want their wives and girl friends to be smart if they plan on keeping them around for more than a couple of years…but hot is better than smart for most.

I guess the old adage is true, “man just need a place and women need a reason”.

I can’t beat guys up too much for being focused on youth and hot, becasue they are genetically programed to be that way. It’s actually not their fault. I get it, but not really…

Your Kids Are Doing Bad Things On Your Trampoline!

If you have teenagers  and a trampoline, bad things are happening in your yard. And I’m not talking about broken bones and twisted ankles.

There should be a new warning label on trampolines…”WARNING! TEENAGERS WILL MAKE OUT AND MORE ON  A TRAMPOLINE AT NIGHT!” I haven’t figured out what the graphic should look like for this warning.

A few months ago, when Lexie, who is now 14, started getting “real boyfriends” I knew it was time to consult with Jack and Mary, her older brother and sister. Jack is 23 and started getting serious about women when he was in 6th grade. (That was the same year he was able to grow a full Magnum PI mustache too.) I asked Jack what locations and situations I needed to be concerned about.

I could hear him smiling through the phone as the memories came back. “Well, keep an eye on them when they walking down by the creek, and the trampoline was a really good place to be alone.”

“Gross!” I said, “The trampoline?” He just laughed and I knew it was serious.

When I asked Mary about the evil things that happen on the trampoline she said something like “Well yeah, you’re better off letting them go in her room, with the door open and the lights on. The trampoline at night makes thing way  too easy. I mean, it’s ok if you make Sandor (the 8 year old little brother) go out and jump with them.”

Yikes! What’s been going on in my yard for the past 12 years?

And then it got worse. One of my friends and co-workers is 26. I mentioned this sexy trampoline situation and she laughed, “Yeah, my first time to have sex was on a trampoline when I was a teenager. We’d jump and laugh for a few minutes, then his parents would start watching a movie….”

So last night, I had to drop Lexie off at the boyfriends house. Sure enough, there was a trampoline in the yard. ARRR. Before I put that car in reverse I rolled down my window and yelled at the two of them, who were still hugging hello. “No jumping on the trampoline…ever.”

*Thanks for reading Hampoland.  If you’re looking for me tonight I’ll be out in the yard…dismantling. Take care, DH