Now I understand what’s truly important in life. Because of my still fresh spray tan, my priorities are all lined up.
I’m the color of a perfectly cooked pork chop and people love me more. They think I’m younger and smarter and funnier. Now I understand every super brown weatherman. I’m sure I’m more trustworthy too.
Because of my bronze spray painted body, I now know I should have married for money instead of love. If I had money I would have so much work done (tastefully of course) I’d be the hottest woman in Arkansas.
I wouldn’t have my lips jacked up and nearly exploding like Angelina Jole, but you can bet there wouldn’t be laugh and smile lines criss-crossing my face like the interstate system.
I’d eat butter and cream and red meat every night, never do a crunch and my belly would still be as tight as a snare drum. If I had money you could bounce a quarter on my stomach and it might come up and hit you in the face. And my hair would be a magnificent mane, long golden ringlets that sparkled in the sun. I’d toss my head back and forth, like a pony, just to make little children happy.
My ridiculously expensive wardrobe would exemplify casual elegance. My dresses would make men smile. Little children would want to touch my skirts because the fabric would be magical. And I’d have high-heels that don’t hurt.
People would invite me to their parties and events just so I would smile and dazzle their guests, that’s how white and straight my teeth would be… if I had money.
My houses would be elaborate architectural wonders and my cars would all be red or baby blue convertibles.
And my kids, Mary, Jack, Lex and Sandor, well if I had money my kids would be exactly the same, nothing would be different cause they are already perfect.