I’ve lost my touch. Years ago I didn’t just “hold a grudge”, I fed it and rocked it to sleep. If I got mad at someone, I was absolutely brutal and didn’t have any problem cutting them out of my life with a scalpel.
I was never ugly, I didn’t speak poorly of folks I was mad at or who hurt me. I simply acted as though they didn’t exsist. They became invisible to me.
Before you start lecturing me on forgiveness let my assure you I know how damning and detrimental anger can be . I know WAY BETER THAN ANYONE ELSE that I was hurting myself and punishing myself with this absurd behaviour. I KNOW so please don’t tell me about the importance of forgiveness. You think I don’t know that? Hell yeah, I know holding a grudge and not forgiving people makes you sick inside and out, it eats at you….etc… I’m stubborn and petty but I’m not stupid.
But I’ve lost the touch. I’m such a wimp now I can’t stay mad at people anymore, even if they really really hurt me. Even when I’m mad I know I still love them. And eventually, I relent, say, “what the hell” and drop the grudge. I realized this the other day when I caught myself smiling while thinking about someone who hurt me. I was smiling and that felt good so all of a sudden I decided I wasn’t going to be pissed off any more. Suddenly, the tilted table, the see-saw, the scale, they all felt balanced and I felt really good.
I think part of the problem has to do with cell phones. Fifteen years ago it was so easy to avoid the offender who hurt your feelings. They couldn’t reach out to me when I was in the car or working out. All I had to do was refuse to pick up the phone at home and they were out of my life.
Now, because of cell phones, you can call me and text me all the time (I have a ancient cell phone so I can’t block numbers). You can send me a text that just says, “I really miss you”. That tells me your thinking about me and my hard heart starts to thaw.
I’m kind of disappointed in myself but I’m also relieved Holding a grudge and dropping people like dirty socks takes a lot of effort. Yeah, I still get mad, I get crazy smokin’ hot mad. And like everyone on the planet, I get my feelings hurt when you say or do something mean. But if I get mad at you, just a wait a couple of weeks and chance are I’ll get over it or, I’ll miss you so much that I will decide to keep you in my life even though you are an ass.
And hopefully, when I really tick you off and make you made you will do the same.
*if you have a hot temper let me know, if you think I’m an idiot, please let me know. Send me an email at hampoland@gmail.com, leave a comment, hit the rss button at the bottom. Anything so I know you’re out there. Thanks, DH