Working Out For Boobs

working outAttention: If you are under forty you don’t need to read this one.

Recently, I realized once you hit 45 your entire mind set changes about working out, exercise and fitness. Because I am a woman in America, and I have been for quite a while, I started worrying about weight and shape and working out when I was probably four years old.

Actually, those “I must be hot” self improvement thoughts first exploded into my head when I slow danced with a boy named Steve Weatheral in 6th grade. In the words of Marsha Brady, “he was so dreamy.” Steve had the 1970’s swoopy dirty blond hair and he hummed while we danced to  Love will Keep us Together by  The Captain and Tennille. (There next big hit was Muskrat Love)

We were both invited to a swim party the next weekend and I really wanted to find a way to grow boobs before the weekend.

Once a girl starts thinking about improving her body… never stops. Bigger hips, smaller butt, better calves, flatter tummy, bigger boobs, sleeker arms, thinner thighs.  We are an ongoing work in progress. We are just like the construction projects my husband starts at our house but never finishes. The needs, plans, wants and desires are constantly changing so the project is never finished.

Until that day between 45 and 55. You suddenly realize your “uber hot” days are probably gone. Sure the 70 year old man at the YMCA still hits on me when I’m doing leg presses but I’m no long subconsciously working out all the time in order to attract a mate. I’ve got a mate, he’s the guy who never finishes our kitchen modeling project. And he doesn’t care if I gain fifteen pounds. In fact he likes the extra weight because it makes my boobs get bigger.

The truth is I do want to be hot again, like I was at 26….but that’s probably not going to happen.

So, I now lift weights now because I like muscle definition. I’m competitive and want to do things other people can’t.  I work out because I have the brain of a junky and I really like the endorphins.  I train in Martial Arts because I love my Taekwondo family and don’t want to stop hanging out with them. Recently I started running again because I want to brag and tell people I run 5ks.

I’m still doing almost exactly what I did 20 years ago but my motivation has changed.  I don’t work out to get a man, I’m way past that. And apparently I’m even more shallow and childish than I was at 13.

Warrior Moms Are Such A Pain In The Butt

Warrior Moms. That sounds like a good thing right? But I’m not so sure. I see Warrior Moms all the time. In fact I am one, but I try to control myself.

Generally, I see Warrior Moms at the YMCA with their children. Warrior Mom wants her off-spring to work out with her. But the kiddos are bored, annoyed, embarassed and they only want to text.

Warrior Mom gets on the treadmill and bounds gracefully like a doe, her bob or short pony tail bouncing in rhythm with her New Balance running shoes. Sweat glistens on her freshly tanned and toned shoulders. She convices her pale and squishy child to get on the treadmill or elliptical next to her’s. But the child only wants to play with his new I-pod and refuses to do anything more than stroll. Nooooo running.

Warrior Mom can bench more than her 14 year old son, run faster than her 16 year old daughter and do more girl push ups than her trainer. But her kid doesn’t care and really doesn’t want to work out with her. Much less be her “fitness buddy” or “5K Partner”.

Ok, here’s what the Warrior Mom is thinking. We are desprate to stay in shape because old age is right around the corner and it’s freaking awful. If we can work out enough maybe we can hang on to middle-aged hotness for a little while longer. And working out feels good. We are so so sad we didn’t start exercising when we were younger and the wasted years make us sad. We are always thinking “imagine what we could have been”. And we don’t want our children to face the same middle aged regret.

And, we are frustrated because our children “don’t get it” . They don’t understand or care that right now they are at their prime, they could be physical works of art if they just put a little effort into it. And we really really want our children to feel and look wonderful. We desperately want whats best for them and that includes health. Basically we don’t ever want our kids to get fat, hate their own reflections, be weak or unhealthy.

Here’s what the kids are thinking. They know they will never get old…like Warrior Mom. And the kids really wish she’d find another old person to work out with. The kids don’t think fitness is important and it feels weird and kind of creepy to be the youngest and puniest person in the gym. The kid knows everybody is looking at them and they are probably right. So, to avoid making eye contact they look at their phones and pretend someone just texted them or stare at their I-Pods.

“Example”14 year old stops completely on the treadmill and says, “I have to find a good song to run to I can’t run without music,” then they spend ten minutes poking and punching while Warrior Mom sighs.

But kids, if you read this far, here’s the deal. We love you, that’s why we want you to exercise with us. It’s not because you’re not perfect, it’s simply because we love you more than anything else on the planet. So don’t be too harsh with your Warrior Moms.  Be proud and let her open jars for you.

So what’s the secret to getting your kid to work out? Well, for me, I think it’s money. I’ll never be cool enough for Lexie to work out with again. But I think, if I offer her $100 dollars to run the next 5K with me, she might consider.

Anyone who says bribing a child is wrong….never had children.