family – HampoLand

What Happens When You Treat Your Man Like A Dog?

I have a really good husband. We’ve been married for twenty or twenty two years. We both always forget. We also have two really wonderful dogs.

Aries is a German Shepard/Wolf hybrid. I thought I was buying a simple female German Shepard. A fat man in a red corvette lied to me.

And then there’s Spots. He’s a stocky white dog with weird brown spots. He’s a pit bull mix that showed up in our yard, emaciated, with cigarette burns on his head. I swore I would never have anything to do with a Pit Bull of any kind, but all this dog does is wag wag his branch like tail and he tries to make us happy.

Last night I was lying in bed watching a PBS show about barns in Arkansas. Spots looked deep into my eyes and I started rubbing his silky ear. “Look at those pretty spots on your ears. That one looks like an island, that one looks kinda like Cuba and that one looks like a water bottle. You have the prettiest spots, Spots.”

His club of a tail thumped heavily. He was in doggie heaven. So, he rolled on his back and snorted cheerfully.

A few minutes later Spots rolled over to stare at me again and I started rubbing his nose. Slowly, I ran my thumb down, between his eyes and I said, “You are so handsome. Look at your weird eyes and think neck and sausage like tail.” In less than a minute he was asleep. So happy to be loved.

When was the last time I rubbed Alex’s ears? I don’t think I ever have. Have I commented on his nose or ears lately….last week I told him I was going to trim his Eisenstein eyebrows or shave them off in his sleep. And what have I ever said about his tail? Maybe years ago.

You see where I’m going? If we treated the people we love like the pets we love the world might be better. Man, I would love it if Alex stroked my hair, scratched my neck or told me I was so beautiful and sweet, even though my breath smelled like roadkill.

I need to rethink good behavior, bad behavior and our reward system.

Sure, Spots and Aries give me unconditional love. But so does Alex.

Your Kids A Cry Baby!!!!

If you’re a mom or dad, you’ve dealt with it. You say “no” to a child and the meltdown begins. They cry, they beg, they fall on the ground and do the worm thing and that’s the worst. If you pick them up, they go limp and spongy…..so you leave them on the ground. The crying and screaming is not just embarrassing it’s infuriating and frustrating. But more than anything, they cry baby makes us all mad….really really mad.

My oldest daughter, Mary, was a cry baby. When she was little, every time we left a store and I didn’t buy her something, candy or a little toy she went “Three Mile Island” on me. The meltdown was epic. Kicking feet, waving arms, crying, screaming. People looked at me like I was a child abuser or kidnapper.

Here’s the reality. If you spank your kid for being a cry baby you are a moron. Spanking, hitting and smacking makes them cry more.

You have to find a way to be smarter……than a three year old. You have to be more clever than a four year old. You have to be wiser than a five year old.

Here’s what worked with Mary. When Mary started getting mad because she didn’t get her way she’d start slow with a pout face, then kicking feet. I would smile. Then she would start crying and I’d keep on smiling. Then the eruption would hit with hands and feet, tears, wailing and screaming…..And I would start laughing. Often times I would take pictures. And that made her really really really mad.

As we rolled across the parking lot I’d say something like, “Good job, Mary. Keep it up. Your’e doing good.” This made her so mad she went nuclear. After a couple of days she began to realize something was wrong. I wasn’t responding the right way. Kids do this because they want you to respond in a certain way. They want you to say, “Oh baby what’s wrong?”

After two weeks Mary was burned out. Throwing fits is exhausting…and futile if it doesn’t work. Her fury failed….she realized it and gave up. But it took two consistent eeks of smiling and laughing every time she melted down. And if you are in a house….you have to leave the room, as though it’s no big deal. Who wants to put on a show when nobody is watching.

Once, when Mary was three and Jack was four I walked out on her temper tantrum. She stopped crying instantly and said to Jack, “Do your like our mom?”

Here’s another idea that worked. If you are at somebody else’s house and your kiddo turns into a cry baby and throws a temper tantrum….every body hates that. It sucks. Pick that child up, take them to a different room, and walk out of the room. They don’t get to act like that in front of folks. It’ll work out.

A child finds no joy in melting down if nobody is watching. And following in order to melt down is no fun.

Not only was Mary a crybaby…..she was a bully. We spent 2 years telling jack not to “hurt the baby” so he’d never defend himself and she tortured him. It was awful.

Finally, we realized at age three, Mary was a total jerk and bully. It was time for a sit down.

“Mary, everything you do to other people, to bug them….we’re gonna do to you. So, if you turn off the lights and slam the door and leave Jack in the dark to scare him…you have to sit in a dark room for 30 seconds.”

It took a while. But finally Mary, The Boss Bully, realized if she took stuff away from Jack we were gonna take it away from her. If she turned off the tv, we turned it off for thirty minutes for her. If she pushed his plate or cup on the floor….we threw hers away. And if she pinched or pushed him….he had permission to pinch and push back.

It was pretty simple. It was fair, there was no yelling or shouting…just simple retribution. And it worked.

Bottom line…if you have a crybaby….if you have a baby bully. Stop being violent and loud. Instead…be smart and crafty.

Outsmart that kid and you’ll win. Spanking and screaming is for amateurs and losers.

Let Your Daughter Date When She’s Young! It’s a Good Thing, I Swear

this is by request, a reprint from 2010.

LET YOUR DAUGHTER DATE WHEN SHE IS YOUNG. Yeah, that’s what I said. You should let your daughter “date” when she is in 6th or 7th grade.

I hear you yelling at me, “Woman, are you out of your mind?”
Before you stop reading , let me state my case and define dating. I don’t think you should allow your 13 year old to jump in a Chevy van with shag carpet and drive off with a 16 year old boy.

You should however let your 12 year old have a “boyfriend” And here’s what they will do.

1. Talk at school

2. Text and chat (Notice: you pay for her phone you can always pick it up and see what’s on it. Always. This is not negotiable.)

3.On the weekends you might take the boy with you to eat pizza or go to the mall. And if you are pretty trusting you might allow them to go to the skating rink or bowling alley, alone, during the day for an hour and a half. While they are skating they might hold hands, they will hug and they might kiss. But not much more will happen because they are in a bowling alley waiting for you to return.. And while all this talking and hand holding hands is going on your daughter, will learn so many valuable first boy lessons. And after two or three weeks they will break up.

As a result of the breakup the most important lesson your daughter will learn is….there are lots of boys in the world so breaking up isn’t such a big deal.

My youngest daughter, knew a lot about guys when she was in 6th grade. She knew how to break up with a guy in person and in a nice way. She figured out guys don’t like girls who get crazy obsessed. They like girls with a life, interests and self esteem.
And she knew you shouldn’t have to choose between friends and boy friends and if a guy really liked you he would be ok with her having a live. If he’s an actual good guy he won’t ask or demand that you to quite things you love like the band, volleyball or the poetry club.

My oldest daughter, Mary, never had a boyfriend in Jr. High or High School. She was the perfect daughter and perfect student, but we discouraged the entire idea of boys. Then, when she was 18 years old and had a full scholarship to a university in St. Louis, Mary fell in love with Billy the semi-pro hockey player who’s e-mail address was “toker69”.

Ten years ago my oldest daughter, Mary, got in huge trouble at the age of 18 cause she never learned “boy lessons”. As a result, her first boyfriend, at eighteen, had an email address of “toker69@ email.com” and she fell like a 12 year old girl, she fell like Romeo and Juliet. After a stellar high school career and getting lots of scholarships she announced, as I placed the Thanksgiving turkey on the table, that she was leaving school for a year to be with this stoned hockey player She used all the classic first love lines like, “Nobody understands us.” “We’ll prove everyone wrong.”. “I’ll never love anyone else.” It was so gross and shattered our family.

Mary didn’t’ want to hurt me or our family, her heart was just in charge and she didn’t have any prior love experience.. Unfortunately, because she was eighteen I couldn’t save her. I could cry and beg and holler, but in the end, that’s all I could do.
Mary’s pre-teen heart was completely overriding her magnificent, full scholarship, med-school brain.
It’s a messy and complicated story, and I’ll tell you Mary is great now so you don’t have to worry.. She dumped “toker69” after 9 months, got back into school and is much much wiser now. But here’s what I believe, If Mary had when she was young she wouldn’t have been hopelessly naïve about young men and love.
If she had dated a boy when she was thirteen, if I let her hang out at the bowling alley with her 115 pound 8th grade boy friend, Mary would have learned that

boys rarely respect girls who give up their independence.
2. boys, will sometimes say anything to make you love them.
3. boys are going to fall in love with her . So she didn’t have to say yes to the first one.

And here’s the real kicker, it doesn’t matter if you “forbid” your daughter to have a boyfriend. If she likes a cute guy with swoopyhair and he likes her she will have a boy friend. You just won’t know about it. And every time you drop her off at the movies or the bowling ally with a couple of girls, the boy will be waiting for her. And they will hold hands and kiss and she just won’t tell you about it.
You can’t stop love.
What’s better knowing who the boy is, talking to him, and counseling your child or being in the dark and having your daughter keep secrets from you.
So, do yourself a favor. Let her have a boyfriend while you can control the situation, if she wants one. Even if you say “no” she’s still gonna have one at school. At least this way…you’re in control and can scare the Hell out of him if necessary.