Three Cruel and Abritrary Rules that Make My Family Happy

"Love Me Or Die, Buddy".

I’VE ALWAYS MADE UP  CRUEL AND GOOFY RULES FOR MY FAMILY, as a result we are all pretty happy, noisy and in love with each other. I know it sounds revolting and sappy, but it works.

So, here are three random and possibly cruel rules we’ve enforced and they have helped keep our family tight tight tight.

#1. No child (and I have four ages 22-7) will ever have a television or dvd player in their bedroom.  Pretty brutal I know. We have one tv in the living room and Alex and I have one in our bed room that we share with the kids.  I just can’t stand the idea of my children disappearing into their bedrooms for five or six years to watch Family Guy, or falling asleep every night with the television on.

The end result of not allowing individual televisions…we hang out together a bunch, I know what they are watching and we all know how to negotiate. 

2. We call each other names, all the time.  “Hey Poop face it’s time to wake up”.  “You won’t eat my spinach, artichoke and feta omelette? You are a big chicken baby cheese cake”.  Or I sing Bob Seager’s Beautiful Loser to my ridiculously pretty daughter.

The only rule on name calling is you can’t call someone a name that’s actually true.  For example, Alex can’t make fun of my big nose, because I really do have a big nose and that would hurt my feelings.

#3. No one is allowed to text when they are in the car with me.  I  have to tell all Lexie’s teen-aged friends about the no texting in the car rule before they get in. I tell them I made the rule because I’m paranoid and insecure and I think they are all talking about me , (the text would look like this ‘ur mom suxs’ ).

But the truth is, I just think texting in the car is rude. If you are getting a ride from me or hanging out with my family, don’t spend all your time talking to other kids.

The truth is I make up cruel and arbitrary rules all the time. (When the kids were little, if they said ‘shut up’ they had to suck their thumb, no matter how dirty, for two minutes.)

Hey, if you’ve got any to share maybe I’ll start enforcing yours too.

Stop Being Mean To Your Kids In Public, It Makes You Look Pathetic

Please, stop being mean to your kids in public. I don’t care if you are a redneck in Wal-Mart or picking up a espresso in Starbucks. You look and sound like a witch when you are rude or snarky to your own kids in public.

Seriously, do you think anyone wants to invite you over for a beer or a spin class when you treat your child with absolute disdain in public? Do you think the cute guy with tight little sideburns wants to spend any time with a woman who is mean to her kids. Here’s what he’s thinking, ‘if she’s mean to her kids she’ll probably be mean to me too”.

And consider this, when you are mean, tense, snarky or short with your child, I’m pretty sure, you look about ten years older than you are. It’s true.

Don’t yell at them, don’t roll your eyes and hiss at them, don’t swat them on the back of the head or I’m going to inject myself into the situation.

Ok, so you’re busy texting and talking and trying to decide what shade of hose you really need. Yeah, that stuffs pretty important, but don’t act like a spoiled thirteen year old when your child interrupts because he really has to go to the bathroom.

Smile, for God’s sake. He needs you. And don’t make the “I’m such a martyr” sigh, The one you make so all the world knows you are overworked and exhausted. Lot’s of moms seem to specialize in that noise. Cut it out.

And here’s my final tip, don’t spank a crying child and expect him to stop crying. She’s going to cry more if you hurt her. And again, you’re making your self look bad and everyone standing close to you is thinking that poor kid has such horrible, mean, stupid parents