Bigger Boobs and The Apoclypse of Gaining 9 Pounds

a scaleI  peed, dropped my towel and stepped on the scale, knowing bad things were going to jump up and slap me in the face. For three months I’ve been eating my way across America and I’ve had very little time to work out.  Clothes have gotten tighter and tighter….even my underwear.

I took a deep breath, things were worse than I’d expected. 9 pounds, 9 freaking pounds.  Holy cow, that’s 9 one pound bags of sugar.That’s what our annoying little dog weighs.  Nine pounds, that’s the size of a two month old baby…a fat two month old baby.

It was Monday, I’d get the problem taken care of, get my eating under control.  Then I pulled out a loose of “flowy”  tank top and a skirt with an enormous amount of elastic.

I found a piece of white paper and wrote 15 ______14_____13_____12_____11_____10_____. you get the idea.  Every time I lose a pound I’ll mark it off. I hung the paper on the wall, in the bathroom, over the scale. I’ll go to the gym today and get to a Taekwondo class tonight.  The weight will come off, but it’ll take a couple of months.

I decided I’d adopt my daughter, Lexie’s, health program.  When she wants to get in shape she can eat anything she wants as long as it doesn’t come from the freezer or cabinet.  That basically leaves her meat, fruit and veggies. It worked beautiful.

The truth is ten or fifteen years ago nine pounds would have sent me into  hysterical starvation mode. I’m bothered now but my world isn’t on fire. Nine pounds isn’t the apocalypse.  At my age men don’t really care  much about five or ten pounds.  If they think a woman is attractive or hot it’s because she’s smart, confident and fun that’s what makes middle age sexy.  Nine pounds when you’re sixteen or twenty one can be big trouble for two reason. Lots of young men are still pretty shallow at that age so a cheerleader body is important. And girls generally don’t have the confidence not to care. They think it’s a big deal and that makes it a big deal.

Grown men are generally smarter than that and less judgmental.

When I told my husband I’d gained nine pounds he was watching NCIS.  I told him my big plan about working out and eating healthy foods but he wasn’t really listening. Then he surprised me, during a commercial he looked over and said, “Hey, does that mean your boobs are bigger?”


There is No Gluten In This Blog…there is Mel Gibson Though

This blog has not been endorsed by any doctor. In fact most doctors would probably tell me I’m an idiot. I don’t care.

This morning, while driving to work, I saw at least three signs that said something like…”We now have gluten free crap.”

Where the hell did all this gluten trouble come from? It’s like cell phones. Ten years ago nobody had one, now everybody has scads of problems because of gluten.

Peanut allergies I understand. We’ve screwed up our food and now lots and lots of little kids have extreme peanut allergies. Twenty five years ago nobody did. I get that.

I understand the “lactose intolerant” thing too. Milk makes you uuuurpy. Don’t drink milk or eat ice cream (sucks right?).

But nobody is making money off the peanut and milk problems.  I’ve never seen a sign reading “we cater to the lactose intolerant”.  Gluten on the other hand, is the red hot illness/disorder and people are making money because everyone is BLAMING EVERYTHING ON GLUTEN.

As I understan, if you are really gluten intolerant you become very very ill if you consume any.  But people are blaming all kinds of stupid stuff on gluten, constipation, dyslexia, hair loss, sleepless in Seattle, bloating, itchy feet, depression, acne, ugliness, clumsiness  and bad breath.

This morning, I  saw a Smothie King sign. It said “We now have gluten free smoothies.”  Doesn’t glutten come from flour or wheat? Who the hell puts flour in a smoothing, that would be a freakin’ mess in the blender.

I also saw a sign at a pizza place, “We have gluten free crusts”!  Oh my Lord.  I do not want one of those.

A week ago a fast food person asked if I wanted Gluten Free and I said, “no, I want double gluten, maybe triple, pile on the gluten please.”

Gluten reminds me of Mel Gibson.  Mel is responsible for some of my favorite movies, Brave Heart, The Patriot and Signs. He’s brilliant actor and I love looking at him, even now that he’s older.

 Gluten  comes in such yummy stuff that’s not really good for me.  Lots of my favorite foods are gluten based, potatoes, pasta and rice.  I love bad white food.

 I know Mel has said some terrible stuff lately but I still love him.  People are blaming gluten for everything but you know what? I still love  that wicked stuff.

So Mel, meet me at the Olive Garden and lets load up on  some fettuccine alfredo, Baby.  But watch your temper, please.

Goofy Ways to Cut Calories During The Holidays

I’ve got some very bad news for people trying to loose weight. It’s the holiday season and you might as well drown yourself in a bowl of Chex Party Mix right now.

Everybody wants to cut calories but that generally involves eatting less, well, nobody actually wants to do that.

We’ll I’ve come up with some new and unconventional ways to cut calories cause I’m super smart. But you must be brave and bold.

 #1 You roll through Sonic because you skipped breakfast and you really really need some popcorn chicken. You’ve got the bag in your hand along with the honey mustard sauce. Before you eat a single popcorn chicken you must roll down your window then reach in the bag, grab and handful and fling them out the window. That’s right fling half your popcorn chicken out the windo.  I know this sounds goofy and wasteful but it works.  Guess what, you’ve saved yourself 300 calories.. Yes you wasted a little money and kind of polluted (I like to think ants and wild, possibly endangered, animals clean up the mess). Just make sure you don’t throw your food at the car next to you or at a pedestrian. They get kind of mad when you strafe them with chicken. This plan works with chips, M&Ms,and Cheetos, just chuck half the food out the window and enjoy what you have left, guilt free.
A side note: Throwing junk food out the window at 60 miles an hour is also kind of liberating in a weird way.

2.If you absolutely have to have something horrible, say a Swiss cheese, bacon, mushroom melt, go on and order that bad boy. Smell it, look at it, love it. Then take three bites. Enjoy them, savor the flavor, cause that’s all you get. Once you’ve taken three bites, drop the burger back in the bag and squish it up, mash and trash it so you will not be tempted to take any more bites.   Again, you have to do this quickly before the fat kid inside you takes over and insists on eatting the whole thing.

3. Here’s my final tip as to how you can cut a few calories . Do you have a dog? Is he healthy? Well, next time you fix yourself a massive peanut butter and jelly sandwich at three o’lclock in the morning, tear your sandwich in half and give it to your dog. He’ll be happy and love you more while you get healthier.

Be careful that you don’t feed your dog stuff that’s bad for him, like half a gallon of ice cream. But chances are half a Hot Pocket or half a bowl of Mac and Cheese won’t hurt him. He’ll probably be really happy and you’ll feel much better knowing you only ate half of the bad stuff. I do this all the time and I think it’s the reason our dog, Theo ,likes me a whole lot more than anyone else in the family.

There you have it, three unexpected ways to cut  calories. Pretty easy, right? Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Think healthy thoughts. stay positive and don’t give your dog any chocolate.