Your Girl is Gonna Have Issues


daughterI’m not going to make up some lame lie as to why I’m writing this. Either he’ll get it or not.

There is a man who is fifty years old: he is a single father bravely raising a beautiful twelve year old daughter all on his own. His eighty five year old mother lives with them too and she  helps out a lot.

Here’s the problem. This dad, I’ll call him Gary, does a great job selling cars. He makes good good money in the little town he lives in. People love him at work, then he gets home, he drinks and then all he does it make fun of his daughter, he’s a jackass, a smart ass who mocks and teases and makes fun of his own beautiful daughter. He says she’s dumb, fat (she’s very thin) she’s slow, she’s selfish. He makes fun of her and pokes and criticizes until she cries. Every night ends in tears. Nothing the girl, I’ll call her Sara, is good enough.ry is breaking the girls heart and the grandmother’s too.

Here’s the weird part. When you talk to Gary all he does is brag about his daughter, constantly. It’s incredibly annoying. And this is coming from a woman who brags about her kids a lot.

I think Gary believes his being funny, I think Gary assumes he’s funny and that his daughter is being too sensitive.  Gary is wrong. Like lots of fathers.

Here’s the deal. Dads, you have one chance with your daughters.  You gotta love them and support them.  The first thing you say in the morning should be sweet, the first thing you say when they come home from school and the last thing you say at night has to be sweet and loving. Otherwise your daughter is gonna have big ass issues.

If you don’t adore her and say sweet things and support her here’s what will happen. She’s gonna get boyfriends way too early cause she needs male approval. She’s gonna have way too much sex way too early cause she wants a man to love her and she wants to punish you. She’s gonna hate men but still chase after them because you never really acted like you loved her.

So, dumb ass dad, get your act together and love your daughter, adore her, hug her and tell her you are proud. Along the way there will be plenty of time to correct her, to tell her purple hair isn’t a great idea, to tell her she can make better grades, to tell her she can do better.  But if you love that girl your words will be heard differently, they will be coming from a place of love. And they will make a difference.

She needs you to be sweet and loving. The world is harsh and ugly and unfair. You have to be her safe place so get your freaking act together.


Let Your Daughter Date When She’s Young! It’s a Good Thing, I Swear

handsthis is by request, a reprint from 2010.

LET YOUR DAUGHTER DATE WHEN SHE IS YOUNG. Yeah, that’s what I said. You should let your daughter “date” when she is in 6th or 7th grade.

I hear you yelling at me, “Woman, are you out of your mind?”
Before you stop reading , let me state my case and define dating. I don’t think you should allow your 13 year old to jump in a Chevy van with shag carpet and drive off with a 16 year old boy.

You should however let your 12 year old have a “boyfriend” And here’s what they will do.

1. Talk at school

2. Text and chat (Notice: you pay for her phone you can always pick it up and see what’s on it. Always.  This is not negotiable.)

3.On the weekends you might take the boy with you to eat pizza or go to the mall. And if you are pretty trusting you might allow them to go to the skating rink or bowling alley, alone, during the day for an hour and a half. While they are skating they might hold hands, they will hug and they might kiss. But not much more will happen because they are in a bowling alley waiting for you to return.. And while all this talking and hand holding hands is going on your daughter, will learn so many valuable first boy lessons. And after two or three weeks they will break up.

As a result of the breakup the most important lesson your daughter will learn is….there are lots of boys in the world so breaking up isn’t such a big deal.

My youngest daughter,  knew a lot about guys when she was in 6th grade. She knew how to break up with a guy in person and in a nice way. She figured out  guys don’t like girls who get crazy obsessed. They like girls with a life, interests and self esteem.
And she knew you shouldn’t have to choose between friends and boy friends and if a guy really liked you he would be ok with her having a live. If he’s an actual good guy he won’t ask or demand that you to quite things you love like the band, volleyball or the poetry club.

My oldest daughter, Mary, never had a boyfriend in Jr. High or High School. She was the perfect daughter and perfect student, but we discouraged the entire idea of boys. Then, when she was 18 years old and had a full scholarship to a university in St. Louis, Mary fell in love with Billy the semi-pro hockey player who’s e-mail address was “toker69”.

Ten years ago my oldest daughter, Mary, got in huge trouble at the age of 18 cause she never learned “boy lessons”. As a result, her first boyfriend, at eighteen, had an email address of “toker69@” and she fell like a 12 year old girl, she fell like Romeo and Juliet. After a stellar high school career and  getting lots of scholarships she announced, as I placed the Thanksgiving turkey on the table, that she was leaving school for a year to be with this stoned hockey player She used all the classic first love lines like, “Nobody understands us.” “We’ll prove everyone wrong.”. “I’ll never love anyone else.” It was so gross and shattered our family.

Mary didn’t’ want to hurt me or our family, her heart was just in charge and she didn’t have any prior love experience.. Unfortunately, because she was eighteen I couldn’t save her. I could cry and beg and holler, but in the end, that’s all I could do.
Mary’s pre-teen heart was completely overriding her magnificent, full scholarship, med-school brain.
It’s a messy and complicated story, and I’ll tell you Mary is great now so you don’t have to worry.. She dumped “toker69” after 9 months, got back into school and is much much wiser now. But here’s what I believe, If Mary had when she was young she wouldn’t have been hopelessly naïve about young men and love.
If she had dated a boy when she was thirteen, if I let her hang out at the bowling alley with her 115 pound 8th grade boy friend, Mary would have learned that

  1. boys rarely respect girls who give up their independence.
    2.  boys, will sometimes say anything to make you love them.
    3.  boys are going to fall in love with her . So she didn’t have to say yes to the first one.

And here’s the real kicker, it doesn’t matter if you “forbid” your daughter to have a boyfriend. If she likes a cute guy with swoopyhair and he likes her she will have a boy friend. You just won’t know about it. And every time you drop her off at the movies or the bowling ally with a couple of girls, the boy will be waiting for her. And they will hold hands and kiss and she just won’t tell you about it.
You can’t stop love.
What’s better knowing who the boy is, talking to him, and counseling your child or being in the dark and having your daughter keep secrets from you.
So, do yourself a favor. Let her have a boyfriend while you can control the situation, if she wants one. Even if you say “no” she’s still gonna have one at school. At least this way…you’re in control and can scare the Hell out of him if necessary.


Dads and Daughters…Who Has the Power?

dadDads out there, you have no idea how powerful you are.  If you have a daughter please know she adores you, she admires you , she worships you and she needs your attention, desperately.  This is true if your baby girl is 2 or 20.

You are the first man she will fall in love with. If you are there for her she probably won’t need an actual boyfriend until she’s in her teens.  If you  tell her she’s pretty and wonderful and smart, she won’t need conformation from a stinky boy for a long time.

If you are a cold  uncaring jerk, if you argue with your daughter constantly and criticize everything she does, she’ll probably find a boyfriend  who fills the gaps you leave before she leaves the school play ground.  Little girls need a man in their life who makes them feel special.  If you don’t do it they will find somebody  who will.

So dads, man up, do your job, hold her hand and tell her how lovely she is. Start when she’s young and you’ll save yourself from a boat load of heart ache and late night worry.

Now, I want to make one point very clear. I’m not telling all you guys to spoil your daughters…rotten. Spoil them with love and attention but not with crap and stuff.  If you buy her a I phone when she’s 7, a new Play Station every month when she’s 10 and a brand new car when she turns 16 YOU ARE AN IDIOT and SETTING HER UP FOR MISERY.  If you spoil her with “stuff” two things will happen.

She will equate love with money and merchandise and she will expect every man she meets and likes to buy her everything she wants. Don’t wreck her life like that, please.

You probably need to consider this too.  If you want your daughter to date and fall in love with good men who treat her with respect, treat her like a lady you should consider how you treat your wife or girl friend. If you’re a jack-ass who yells and screams at your woman, if you are rude, mean and ugly. If you’re a lazy deadbeat, your daughter will probably end up with a dude just like you. You’re telling her how women should be treated.

The  first time a boy friend screams at her or God forbid, slaps her, she will respond one of two ways.  She’ll get out of the car, cry and cry then forgive the guy and take him back. Or she’ll get out of the car, tell the guy if he ever lays a hand on her again she’ll rip his fingers off and eat them and never talk to him again.

How will your daughter respond? It’s on you, that’s how much power father’s have.