How To Pick A Husband

diana and alexI feel the need to tell this story. I get mad at my husband Alex, all the time, because he’s not very romantic. He’s a man. But there was a time…back in the day.

In 1991 I was running around Hot Springs trying to bring my new magazine The Spring, to life. I was writing stories and selling ads and delivering…all the time.  There was a good looking cook at Acapulco’s  (Now the Colorado Grill) who flirted with me and asked me out all the time. But I ignored him and  thought he was just a player cause all the girls in town liked him.  Alex was lean, dark and sexy.

I went on a date one night with a landscape architect from Duke University. We had dinner at Acapulco’s where Alex ran the kitchen. The second my date left the table to go to the bath room, I swear to you, Alex Hampo walked right up to me and said, “Why are you out with him? I saw you first.”

It was the cutest most immature thing I’d ever heard. He thought he’d called “Dibs” on me and was completely indignant.

When the landscape architect returned Alex shifted gears and started schmoozing the guy. Alex was charming and when my date asked where we should go for dessert and after dinner drinks Alex said we had to go to a place called Edelweiss (in the basement of Spencer’s Corner).

Of course when we arrived at Edelweiss, Alex was already there. Waiting for us. I hate to admit this because it was horrible and immature but as soon as my date was out of the room….I left with Alex. We went dancing.

I’m not proud of this story but it’s one of my favorites.  Dude from Duke University, I’m sorry.

But apparently my instincts were right that night.

Kill The Romantic!…Men Are Doomed

A couple of months ago I saved a friend from making a deadly romantic mistake. The fool really liked a nurse he’d been dating and wanted to send her flowers…at work! NOOOO! You can’t do that! She’ll run away.

The poor man is over 45 so he didn’t understand the new rules. Romance is now the kiss of death.  The wonderful sweeping  gestures men used to make are taboo.  If you send her flowers you’ll seem desperate rather than romantic. If you call her and leave a sweet message or a note you are pathetic or worse  a stalker.

Men with any sense of theater or romance are doomed in this culture. A few weeks ago my daughter, Lexie wrote a blog about the cop who couldn’t stop thinking about a woman he ticketed. He left her a harmless and sweet note…so she’s suiing him.What’s the matter with you?

Good Lord woman, you are probably the same B*%ch who complaines about men and their lack or romance, at  Outback  on Martini Mondays. If a man is interested in anything more than texting a bootie call at 3am you think he’s a stalker.

Romance takes guts and imagination. Still, we slam the guy who has the nerve to send us flowers.

Twenty years ago my husband, Alex, asked me out a couple of times.  I said no, even though I liked him.  He was a handsome young chef with pretty eyes.  One night I was on a date with a landscape architect and we ended up eating at Alex’s restaurant.  When my date went to the bathroom, Alex came to the table and said, “Why are you out with him, I saw you first.”  He was so immature, sincere and romantic. He had me.

Then he had the audacity so suggest to my hapless date  he should take me for an after dinner drink at another establishment.  They shook hands like buddies. Of course, 45 minutes latter, when we arrived at the next bar, Alex was already there, waiting for us.  I was blown away by his audacity.  The clueless landscape architect didn’t stand a chance.

If a guy did this kind of stuff today, some women would not only label him a stalker but get a restraining order.

Women, stop beating up the romantic in your life. You should be thrilled anyone likes you enough to try and win your affections. Appreciate their efforts.  Every time a man does something romantic he’s so vulnerable.  Romantics put them selves out there, in the middle of the road, for us. Stop running over them.

*tell me your story, leave a comment or you can always email to hampoland@gmail.com. Thanks, DH

Parents, I Know You’re Not Stupid…But What The Hell Are You Thinking?

Parents should read this but they will not. Kids will read it but they shouldn’t. I should not write it cause I’m going to make people mad but right now I don’t care. I’m mad.

This week I’ve been surrounded by parents doing stupid and selfish stuff and they don’t seem to realize they are hurting their kids and setting a bad example. Sometimes I’m a wretched parent but I pray someone will hit me in the head with a gallon of milk if I do some of this stupid shit.

Case #1 Mom acts like a freakin’ teenagger and expects her daughter to be mature. Mom falls off the radar, doesn’t answer her phone, doesn’t let her family know where she is for 24 hours. If her teenager doesn’t answer her phone for an hour the world explodes and kid get grounded for weeks and weeks. Mom doesn’t get grounded though because she’s the “grown up”. (For those of you who don’t realize it those quote marks surrounding grown up are air quotes full of sarcasm and eye-rolling). Mom doesn’t like doing laundry and expects the kids to do it for her. Mom doesn’t buy fruit because it’s expensive.

Mom, your child loves you so much and really really wants you to act like a mom.  She’s counting on you to show her how to act like an adult and to say your are sorry when you screw up.

Case #2 After a twenty year marriage, there is a divorce and mom wants to date again after four months. The teenaged child has absolutely no interest in meeting or talking to any of the new boyfriends. They all piss him off cause he still loves his dad. He’ll always love his dad. In a year he’ll be ready to meet the new men in his mom’s life but not now. Still, the mom insists the son hang out with new men, they all go to the movies or to football games. But the boy just gets resentful and angry. Come on woman, use your freaking CPA brain. Yes, you should date, you are divorced, but don’t force your son to meet these guys. It’s way way too soon. He’s gonna act like a 15 year old jerk face punk because it looks like you are choosing these men over him. All you have to do is date when he’s not around, date but don’t shove his face in it and make him hang out with the guys. Give the kid a year to get used to the idea of divorced and dating mom.

Mom, listen to me, make your son your number one priority for a while.  You’ll have time to do all the stuff you want to do but right now, you are everything to that boy. The divorce wrecked his world, even if it was the right move. So don’t blow it. He loves you and needs you.

If you don’t know if you are doing the right thing, all you have to do is think about the case in reverse or put other people into your situation and see how you feel. Chances are you are a decent loving person who knows right from wrong. Just take a minute and think and then follow your heart.