Hey College Kid…This Is What Really Makes Us Mad

   You are in college, you are 18 or 19 years old now….you know everything now, you are so worldly and mature.  You stay out all night, drink with your teachers and don’t actually know the last name of the guy you are sleeping with.  As parents this makes us sad but we understand you are consided “an adult”, wise as Yoda and smarter than Stephen Hawkins.  

But I’m going to tell you about the one thing that really really pisses parents off. Then, because you are so freakin’ wise and mature, maybe you won’t do it again.

As parents we actually like supporting you financially sometimes. It makes us feel needed. Don’t feel too bad when your tire blows out and you need two hundred dollars…it happens.  We want to give you money for the brake job and the horribly expensive  biology book because these are all signs you are movnig in the right direction.

But the thing that makes me hyperventilate, that leaves me so angry I want to throw my keyboard throw the window or jerk the entire glass and cup rack out of the dish washer and hurl it across the kitchen, loaded down with all those breakablaes is this…

You come home from college with a plan or idea.

“Mom, I’m going to buy this beautiful registered rottweiler, she has all her papers and she’s pregnant!  I can buy her for 300 dollars but each one of her puppies will be worth 300 dollars too!  I’ll make at least a grand before I go back to college. The puppies and the mom will be really easy to sell.”

“How do you know who the daddy is?” I ask.

“The owner of the dog, James, he told me and pure blood too. James, has to move and needs the money, otherwise he would keep her and sell the puppies himself.”

“Honey, you don’t know this guy and do you have any proof about the father?”

“No mom, I told you, I’ve know this guy for a while, he’s great. And he knows all about the dad.  You just don’t understand.  This will give me extra money for next semester.  All I have to do is take care of the mom for a month then sell the puppies in 8 weeks.”

I try not to get angry but this plan is  obviously absolute cow poop. “Honey, you don’t have a place to keep a dog that size and what if the puppies aren’t really pure breed?  I think this guy is just trying to unload a pregnant dog on you and make 300 dollars.’

“Nooo” she sighs and rolls her eyes because I’m so stupid. “James told me, he’s register too ,so the puppies will be beautiful and I’ll be able to sell them really quick. God, I acn’t believe you don’t get his mom. It’s easy money.”

“Please don’t do this” I plead,” I think it’s a really bad idea.”

Anyone care  to take a guess at the ending of this puppy tale?

My daughter pays James $300 bucks and he disappears like smoke.The puppies are born, a hideous cross between Rottweiler, Beagle and a Catahoula Hog Dog. There are nine puppies and they are alarmingly ugly. The mother struggles after giving birth so we take her to the vet. She has to stay over two nights, $313 dollars. The puppies need shots $300 dollars.

My daughter can’t give the mutant  puppies away. Six of the nine need braces and one is missing three toes. But it’s  time for her to go back to college.

As she leaves to move back into her pristine dorm room, she promises me she’ll pay me back, she’ll make it up to me, she’ll find people who want ugly puppies.

I’m so screwed and angry I can barely speak. I hug her, shove her into her car before I say something so vile my face will burst into flames.

I’m stuck with the “Elephant Man” puppies and mom. They eat and poop and chew and bark all the time.

That’s it.    Brilliant and worldly college students, this is what we hate. When you refuse to take our advise or counsel, then we have to bail your stupid ass out and clean up the mess.

A few years ago we were 19. We were beautiful morons with flawless skin, just like you, and we made some insane mistakes.  We really do know more than you because we’ve lived through more.

I will happily give you $100 dollars to get a new windshield for your car. But please, stop ignoring my advise and counsel then expect me to clean up you mess and bail your dumb ass out of an unnecessary jam.

We love you, now brush your teeth, drink a glass of milk and go to class. You’re not nearly as smart as you think you are.

***Leave a comment or write to me at hampoland@gmail.com!