Weird Little Miracles

milkThis morning I was grumpy. Schools out so every one in the house get’s to sleep late. All I wanted was coffee and a moment to sit in the bathroom and read my book with the hot water running. This morning ritual drives my husband, Alex, crazy, because it is very wasteful, but I love the cocoon of steam, I love my little straight back chair, my time to read and my cup of coffee.

But this grumpy morning, I was out of milk. Slamming the refrigerator door  I mumbled something like, “Seriously?” My black coffee was hot, bitter and not what I wanted.

Before disappearing into my steamy bathroom, I let Aries is our 110 pound German Shepard type dog out. She’s a happy, goofy  dog and as my ex-husband used to say about me, “untroubled by serious thought”. Our biggest problem with Aries is she’s a kleptomaniac .  The things she steals from our neighbors at night are bizarre, and sometimes useful. In the last two months Aries has appeared on the porch with a twenty pound bag of fancy cat food (hair ball reducing), a very fresh three pound cat fish, a full bottle of Windex and a brand new pair of Toms (still in the box).

After reading for twenty minutes I gave up on the coffee. I’m a baby.  Black coffee just doesn’t work for me. I showered, dried my hair and tried to find something to wear.  But it was one of “those” mornings when nothing looks right and nothing feels right.  I think women are the only ones who understand these dreadful days, when discarded clothes pile up on the foot of the bead like fallen soldiers.

With my phone and bag in hand, I stepped outside and there on the porch sat Aries, with a jug of milk. It was plastic gallon with at least a pint left.  The jug was dirty, obviously Aries dragged it through the woods to bring it home, but she was so proud of herself.  I have no idea how old the milk was in that jug, but I went back  inside and found a treat for my beautiful piliferous Aries.

I believe in miracles . They happen every day, though some refuse to acknowledge them as such. I truly believe God or Aries, or both, were trying to get me out of my funk. And it almost worked.




The Dangerous Of A Windy Day…Be Careful!

There are 25 mile an hour gusts outside right now. That’s almost half a hurricane. So be careful, there are some things you really need to avoid on a crazy windy day.

#1 A drink or coffee with a mountain of whipped cream on top. You might think the cherry will weigh that fluffy white delicious stuff down but you are wrong. My whipped cream ended up all over my car window. Driving into town, I realized it looked as though a pterodactyl pooped on my car.

#2 Don’t bother brushing your hair, instead go for the messed up mug shot crazy woman look. I spent 10 minutes brushing and rolling and blow drying. By the time I made it to the front door all of my hair was in front of my face Ala Cousin It. When I got inside I tried to smooth things down and look semi-hot but I failed. I look better after two hours of kickboxing.

#3. Do not let a plice officer make you take the sobriety test which involves standing on one foot on a windy day, especially if you are fat or skinny. If you are girthy your belly will act like a sail, if you are skinny you’ll just get blown into traffic. Standing on one foot whenthere is a wind advisory is nearly impossible. You will fail, go to jail, have a horrible crazy woman mug shot and it will end up on facebook for your children to see. So, do not stand on one foot.  You’d be better off trying to say your alphabet backwards.

#4 If a piece of paper blows out of your hand DO NOT CHASE IT.  You will never catch it on a really windy day. Instead you’ll look like a chicken in the Wal-Mart parking lot running, stopping, reaching, missing, turning, stumbling. It’s ugly. Just let that shopping list go.

#5 And finally, you know this without it being said. do not wear a dress or skit during a semi-tornado kind of day. Yes Marilyn Monroe looked hot when her white dress billowed up but it’s not the same if you are wearing panty hose or granny panties.

The wind is picking up out there, unless you are a middle aged bald man in a suit, maybe you should just stay home today.

I Love Coffee, It’s Healthy… But Not Arnold

*I don’t really care about Arnold Schwartzenegger’s Love Child or House Help. Apparently the 13 year old boy looks just like him, how cool would that be?

*I don’t care much that M-Bone, the rapper who invented The Dougie, was killed in a drive by (his real name was Manta Ray, why go by M-Bone)

And I think it’s funny that the Obama campaign is selling  birth certificate t-shirts. I kind of want one.

So, what do I care about?  Coffee dammit. That’s right a cup of Joe is number one on my list today. I heard a story on NPR this morning that really lit me up.  New studies are in on the health effects of  coffee and let me tell you, it’s good news.  Coffee is amazing stuff that helps fight cancer.

One of my grandmothers used to tell me coffee would stunt my growth and thus prevent me from getting a husband. Ha…Bubba, you were wrong.

A Harvard study tested 5,000 men who drank coffee and found

* “their risk of getting this bad form of prostate cancer was bout 60 percent lower compared to men who drank almost no coffee”! 

*Earlier research suggests coffee reduces the risk of diabetes, liver disease and Parkinsons”! Yeah, fill up my cup one more time. I don’t can how badly my hand is shaking.

And finally:

*Swedish researchers reported that women who drink at least five cups of coffee a day have nearly a 60 percent lower risk of a particularly aggressive breast cancer.”

Bottom line…if we drink coffee all our private parts seem to be a little bit safer.

Now that’s some important news.

Tomorrow’s Blog…Are Politicians and Famous People more likely to have an affair….HELL YES!