Oh My Lord, don’t Look Behind the Couch

I haven’t moved the couch in the living room in over a week. Today, I’m alone in the house and decided it was time. Damn…what a collection of stuff.

Of course there’s cat and dog hair but I found two test tubes full of green/gray slime from Sandor’s Dr. Demento kit.  He’ been trying to find a cure for peole with gas, but in our house we call it “popping”.  No luck yet.

There was some of his homework. Homework we did, but was never handed in. That explains the frowny faces from his teacher.

I found two guitar picks, a very nice empty wallet I don’t recognize. Have my kids been mugging people and hiding the evedence behind the couch? Maybe it’s a pretty good plan.

The four of clubs and ten of spades were both back there, explaining my exceptionally poor luck playing  solataire this week. I thought I just sucked.

A pink bra I’ve been looking for since Wednesday.

Three nerf bullets, a single flip flop, two dirty sock, a go-gert wrapper, a checker and a pair of tongs. I can’t explain those. I also found my long lost Keb Mo cd.

I don’t know if this happens to everyone and I’m kind of embarassed to ask. If the answer is no I don’t know what I’ll use an excuse.

 But I’m thinking if I wait two weeks to look behind the couch next time I might find the holy grail or the body of Jimmy Hoffa. could be interesting and maybe it’ll payoff.

This Is Very A Serious Problem

I have a problem with cleaning. first, I don’t like it, second, I’m not very good at it. But that’s not my ugliest problem.

When I clean I find stuff, a single lacy glove, a scarf, an 80’s style sweatband. And I put things on as I clean, without realizing it.

 I finished vacuuming this afternoon and realized I looked like Cyndi Lauper. I was wearing one stripey fingerless glove, so I looked like a British pick pocket, plus a Beastie Boys ball cap and a fishing vest covered with flashy lures and ‘. But the living room and bedroom are now, crazy clean.

Still, I was a disturbing mother and wife..    The only solution…in 2012 I’ll try my very best not to clean anymore.

#You have a problem or hate cleaning. write to me damn it.hampoland@gmail.com

How To Get A Boy To Clean A Room

Parents, I’ve figured out something huge. If you have a little kid, especially a boy, you’ll realize how brilliant I am.

When you tell your kiddo to clean the living room he might say “ok” but then he wanders around the living room, not seeing any of the mess or clutter, until he finds an object he can turn into a gun to “pretend shoot” the dog.

Guess what?  He’s a kid and he’s a boy so he doesn’t actually see any of the mess. Therefore, he’s almost incapable of cleaning up.

So, instead of telling the poor dude to clean up the living room try this.

Give your guy individual instructions. Here’s what I did today and I swear, it worked.
Me: “Boy boy, clean the living room and then we’ll go swimming.”
Boy: “Ok.”
Me:”First clean off all the tables”
Boy: “Ok”, he says as he places a napkin on the dogs face. But he does in fact, take the bathroom stuff to the bathroom, the dishes to the kitchen and the toys to his room.
Me: Boy boy, pick up all the stuff on the floor and put it in the right rooms.
Boy: “Ok” he says as he ramps a Hot Wheel on the cat’s back.
Me: “Boy Boy take all the blankets and stuff that are piled up on the couch and put them back in your room”
Boy: “Ok” he says as he captures a cricket and puts it on the dog’s head.

You get the idea, right? If you tell him to do one thing at a time there’s a much higher chance he’ll actually get a room cleaned up for you.

Yelling at a kid over and over to clean up a room is just stupid and mean.  I don’t think little kids actually see a mess or know what one is so you have to give them very clear instructions. And you can only give them one job at a time or everything gets gobbled up in their 7 year old brain.  If I say “make your bed, unload the dishwasher and feed the dog” there’s a really chance he’ll put the dog food in the dish washer and the dishes under his pillow. My children aren’t morons, they are just kids.

So, if you want things done think like a kid and then you have to take everyone swimming.