cars – HampoLand

Idiot Parents

Yesterday I heard a story on CBS News. Based on information from The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety the best used cars for teens are “big, slow and ugly.” It took the insurance companies of America to point out the obvious.

I’m so sick of idiot parents who buy their teens a red Mustang V6 and with way too much horsepower and then they are surprised when their kids drives too fast.

I know your child has staggeringly white teeth and a 2.8 GPA and you want you baby to be popular but for the love of god, don’t put them in a sports car. Because they will drive way too fast and hurt and possibly kill themselves, their friends and other innocent people on the road.

Your teenager has a brain that is not fully formed. That’s why teens make bad decisions sometimes.

You’re brain, Mom and Dad, is supposed to be all connected and put together. So you must make the sound judgment calls that will keep Joe Joe and Skippy safe. But you apparently would rather be the cool dad and buy your kid (who, by the way, will probably lose their scholarships in their freshman year because of frat parties) a brand new Charger with a V8 and top speed of 175 miles an hour. Guess what, your kids is gonna drive way too fast in that car. And it’s your fault because you gave it to him for graduating from high school.

I drive super slow, I poke along like a sloth and I’m pretty sure if I had that car even I would drive too fast, because THAT’S WHAT THE CAR WAS DESIGNED TO DO!

Bottom line. You are a moron if you buy your kid a sports car. They will drive way way to fast. I can almost promise you that. And when your child passes me on Highway 5 because I’m doing the speed limit and he wants to go 80 in his silver 2014 Mustang, when he causes an accident and he dies and I die, I swear to you my ghost and hopefully are going to come looking for you….the idiot parents.

Your Kid Is a Bad Driver…I Promise

It’s graduation time and parents all over the country are buying their high school students or recently graduated students a car. Awesome…that’s so wonderful. But for the love of God don’t buy them a nice car. Not now, not yet. I’ve written about this before and time after time I’ve been proven RIGHT.

The first care you buy for your kids should be a practice car cause they are going to trash it. They are going to back into stuff, scrape things, rear end (very lightly) other cars. Cause they are kids. I know you are thinking your child is different buy you are dead wrong. Your beloved kiddo is gonna drive too fast, take chances and mess up that pretty used or new car you just bought for them.

Sandor is ten years old, and can’t see the dirty clothes on the floor, how’s he gonna see a fire hydrant or stop sign? He won’t, until he drives into it.

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Last week Fountain Lake had a music/band performance and FOUR cars passed me on park Avenue. I was driving exactly the speed limit. Fifty mile an hour. Three out of four of the cars who passed me were driving by teenagers from Fountain Lake. I knew them all. They were running late (cause that’s what teenagers do) so they passed, when it wasn’t really safe.

Lexie has a crappy car. It’s the 1996 Mary Ford Explorer we bought for Mary and she when she was 18. It was a wreck in six months and now it’s Lexies, all banged up and ugly.

Yesterday she asked me “If I get a full ride to college will you get me a new car(new to her, not new new)?”

This request works for me because it fits our “Yes for a Yes” prime directive hampoland rule. Lexie get’s what she wants…after I get what I want.

Here’s the second reality about teens and cars. This rule applies to all kids, including mine. Teens are going to speed no matter what kind of vehicle they drive. I’ve seen a teenage boy driving an ancient station wagon go 20 miles over the speed limit everyday on the way to school. He was a boy scout and brilliant but he was just a boy. Lex drives too fast, she doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m mistaken but she does.

And if you buy your kid a hot fast car they are going to go even faster, just because they can. If you buy your child a corvette, a ninja, a mustang, any hot go fast vehicle DO NOT BE SURPRISED WHEN THEY GET A TICKET. You bought them a car built for speed, designed to go fast. What the hell do you expect them to do?

If you bought you kid a submarine they would go underwater. If you buy your child a fast car they are gonna go fast.

I have a friend with a Camero, he jacked it up and it now has 740 Horsepower. he’s 45 years old and guess what he’s gonna do? GO FAST!

So, do yourself a favor, recognize that teens will do what they always do. Bang up cars and drive fast. Buy them something with airbags, keep them on a short leash and you’ll probably make it through graduation.

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Buy Your Kid A Crappy Car

Recently a friend of mine announced she was buying her 16 year old son a car. He’s a great kid, honor roll, polite, involved.

“Has she had much driving experience?” I asked.

“No, no just got his permit. But we’ll work on it.”

“Is it a nice car?”

“Yeah, it’s beautiful and only has 50,000 miles.” She went on to tell me about the lovely $7,000 dollar car.

At that point I thought my ear drums were going to explode. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “Please please please, buy him a crappy car for the first year. He’s going to bump into every thing and you’ll still be making payments.”

But I was too late, the deal was done. I think he’s had the car for five months and there have been at least three “incidents”. He’s backed over garbage cans, bumped into fire hydrants and of course the dent on the back right door…”it happend while he was in Wal-Mart”. I put that in quotes because all teen agers use that line when they bang up their car.

Nobody every hits my car in parking lots but teen drivers are plagued by these evil does who bump and run.

I think the mom stopped telling me about stuff her son hit a month or so ago cause it’s embrassing. But the truth is he’s normal and human and a teenager. And the pretty car is now a mess.

Here’s another teenage truth, if you buy a kid a fast car, she’s gonna go really fast. A couple of years ago a friend bought his sixteen year old son a bright green Ninja motorcycle. I think the speedometer topped out at 160. And then my friend was surprised and furious when his son got a ticket for going 110. Really buddy? You know teenage brains continue developing until their mid-20s.

My kids ran into plenty of stuff, even a tree, in their first year of driving because it takes time to get good. It takes time to understand distance and speed and it takes time to develop proper reflexes, the one that tell you when to stomp on the gas or the brake in a fraction of a second.

Mary actually totaled her first car twice in one month. And guess what, we’ve duct tapped that bad boy Ford Explorer back together and that’s the car Lexie gets on her 16th birthday.

The good news is, most of them get better. It just takes time to learn to drive….well. So, unless you have a boat load of money and you just can’t wait to spend it, buy your 16 year old something cheap, something indestructible and something with plenty of insurance.

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