Big Bad Boobs

boobs1Boobs, they aren’t worth it, especially big ones.  Guys have no idea what a bother boobs are. Sure, they are fun to have around at first, but then the problems begin.

For me, the problems started in Junior High.  My boobs showed up and suddenly my breast stroke and crawl slowed down. I wasn’t comfortable on the swim team anymore.  And I had a tennis coach whom I adored, but I now realize was a wretched human being.  When my boobs arrived he started making jokes about them bouncing around when I ran across the court “There goes Boom Boom” ….so I quite the team. (All this happened before the invention of the sports bra.)  I wish Serena Williams could find this man now and beat him with her tennis racket on my behalf.

Most guys love big boobs, but they have no idea how expensive they can be.  Sure, you can buy an off the rack bra at Wal-Mart for fourteen dollars but the never ending pinching, pulling and poking will make anyone insane.  Men, you can’t imagine what it’s like to have two nine inches pieces of wire and a whole lot of elastic and hooks up under your shirt. If you have money you can get fitted for a bra that fits perfectly and feels great, but those cost between $40 and $100 dollars.

Men, have you ever paid $50 dollars for a pair of underwear? And that’s just for one bra, we have to have several in the drawer. Hopefully you have several pairs of briefs available.

So poor women or middle class women, with big boobs, who can’t afford to get fitted in a specially shop, are really in a miserable place. That’s not fair!

And then there’s breast cancer.  My family has been blessed. We have not had to battle breast cancer. But men can’t possibly imagine this situation. Sure you have prostate cancer, but your prostate hasn’t been something you showed off over the years, hasn’t been something sought after or ogled. Suddenly, a breast, which theoretically has been thing of beauty, something that fed your sweet hungry children, is bad.

Boobs get in the way when we run, sleep and jump on trampolines. Most men love them but they hold us back. I’m so conflicted, angry and I am not a fan.

Fortunately, my husband one hundred percent disagrees with me.


Girls With New Boobs and Tattoos

butYesterday I went to my gym, put on my sports bra, black shorts and  semi tight purple tee-shirt.

A wonderful friend of mine…who is in her mid-twenties said something like”God your boobs are huge today.”

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I thought about  putting on a black tee shirt.”

“No way, your boobs are awesome. ”

I don’t think I’ve ever complimented my best friend, Amelia’s, boobs. I’ve told her she has great skin or her hair looked nice but I’ve never said, Hey Amelia, you got a ‘rockin’ rack!”

Then I started thinking about boobs, breasts, ta-tas, hooligans we all call them something different because almost every body seems to like boobs. All shapes and sizes.

A year ago a friend who is a really pretty 25 year old was telling me about her boob job. She’d saved up for over a year to buy the boobs of her dreams. I complimented her thrifty-ness, perseverance  and dedication. Then she jumped up and said “You want to see them? There’s almost no scar!” And she started pulling up her shirt.

The women I know, who are forty and older don’t do that…and maybe we should.

The strange thing is women under 3o treat and think about boobs and their bodies differently. Their breasts are kind of like their favorite pair of running shoes, or hair . They want to make sure they look awesome, so they push them up and out all the time. And they will show you just about anything at anytime.

A couple of months ago I was talking to a 22 year old friend , IN HER OFFICE. She’s a beautiful tiny girl.  We started talking about tattoos and Heather suddenly said, “Oh, I just got a new one last week, you want to see?”

“Sure,” I said innocently.

Heather jumped up, came around  the desk,  pulled down her  dress pants and poked her tiny little butt right at me. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

She was wearing a lacy purple thong. A lovely ship with a big sail was blowing across her right cheek.

I wasn’t offended just a little shocked and I  realized, once again, girls in their twenties are different. They think about bodies differently.

Boobs, boob jobs and tattoos are something to be proud of, so they talk about them and show off body parts with a friendly ease I envy.

Today girls say, “Look how great my boobs are!”

Thirty years ago we used to think stuff like that, that but we generally didn’t say it…out loud….to clients and business partners who are total grown-ups.

Girls and women have changed…but thankfully, I don’t think boys have. Guys still want and think and do the same stuff they used to.  They just want to eat, play their guitars really loud and look at boobs.


Bigger Boobs and The Apoclypse of Gaining 9 Pounds

a scaleI  peed, dropped my towel and stepped on the scale, knowing bad things were going to jump up and slap me in the face. For three months I’ve been eating my way across America and I’ve had very little time to work out.  Clothes have gotten tighter and tighter….even my underwear.

I took a deep breath, things were worse than I’d expected. 9 pounds, 9 freaking pounds.  Holy cow, that’s 9 one pound bags of sugar.That’s what our annoying little dog weighs.  Nine pounds, that’s the size of a two month old baby…a fat two month old baby.

It was Monday, I’d get the problem taken care of, get my eating under control.  Then I pulled out a loose of “flowy”  tank top and a skirt with an enormous amount of elastic.

I found a piece of white paper and wrote 15 ______14_____13_____12_____11_____10_____. you get the idea.  Every time I lose a pound I’ll mark it off. I hung the paper on the wall, in the bathroom, over the scale. I’ll go to the gym today and get to a Taekwondo class tonight.  The weight will come off, but it’ll take a couple of months.

I decided I’d adopt my daughter, Lexie’s, health program.  When she wants to get in shape she can eat anything she wants as long as it doesn’t come from the freezer or cabinet.  That basically leaves her meat, fruit and veggies. It worked beautiful.

The truth is ten or fifteen years ago nine pounds would have sent me into  hysterical starvation mode. I’m bothered now but my world isn’t on fire. Nine pounds isn’t the apocalypse.  At my age men don’t really care  much about five or ten pounds.  If they think a woman is attractive or hot it’s because she’s smart, confident and fun that’s what makes middle age sexy.  Nine pounds when you’re sixteen or twenty one can be big trouble for two reason. Lots of young men are still pretty shallow at that age so a cheerleader body is important. And girls generally don’t have the confidence not to care. They think it’s a big deal and that makes it a big deal.

Grown men are generally smarter than that and less judgmental.

When I told my husband I’d gained nine pounds he was watching NCIS.  I told him my big plan about working out and eating healthy foods but he wasn’t really listening. Then he surprised me, during a commercial he looked over and said, “Hey, does that mean your boobs are bigger?”