My Spray Tan Helped Me Understand The Important Things In Life

spray tanNow I understand what’s truly important in life.   Because of my still fresh spray tan, my priorities are all lined up.

I’m the color of a perfectly cooked pork chop and people love me more. They think I’m younger and smarter and funnier. Now I understand every super brown weatherman. I’m sure I’m more trustworthy too.

Because of my bronze spray painted body, I now know I should have married for money instead of love. If I had money I would have so much work done (tastefully of course) I’d be the hottest woman in Arkansas.

I wouldn’t have my lips jacked up and nearly exploding like Angelina Jole,  but you can bet there wouldn’t be  laugh and smile lines criss-crossing my face like the interstate system.

I’d eat butter and cream and red meat every night, never do a crunch and my belly would still be as tight as a snare drum.  If I had money you could bounce a quarter on my stomach and it might come up and hit you in the face. And my hair would be a magnificent mane, long golden ringlets that sparkled in the sun. I’d toss my head back and forth, like a pony, just to make little children happy.

My ridiculously expensive wardrobe would exemplify casual elegance.  My dresses would make men smile. Little children would want to touch my skirts because the fabric would be magical. And I’d have high-heels that don’t hurt.

People would invite me to their parties and events just so I would smile and dazzle their guests, that’s how white and straight my teeth would be… if I had money.

My houses would be elaborate architectural wonders and my cars would all be red or baby blue  convertibles.

And my kids, Mary, Jack, Lex and Sandor, well if I had money my kids would be exactly the same, nothing would be different cause they are already perfect.

I Bought A 29 Dollar Bottle of Shampoo…what an idiot

Last Sunday morning I watched an infomercial, pulled out my credit card and paid 29 dollars for a bottle of shampoo.

What the hell was wrong with me? I’d seen the Wen commercial a hundred times before, how was I suddenly sucked into ordering Chaz Dean’s miracle shampoo. Did I have a brain tumor, was I huffing spray paint?

Well, the box arrived a few days later, I couldn’t wait to wash my hair because I was absolutely certain my hair would be luscious, think, full of body and shine.

One more time, what the hell was I thinking. Yes, the Wen pomegranate smelled great and made my hair feel pretty smooth while I was in the shower but once I got out and my locks dried….it was the same head of abused, medium length, yellow hair I had an hour earlier. Well how bout that.  I was expecting to have a glorious mane.

Lexie laughed at me, amazed I’d been sucked into buying a 29 dollar bottle of shampoo that would barely last us two weeks. I wasn’t mad, I was fascinated and kind of excited and inspired.  I work in sales and the fact a bunch of hair dressers from California could convince me I HAD to have their product was incredible. 

What is it I thought I was buying, I thought about the commercial.. what was I actually trying to buy? Sexy hair, youth, health,luxury and wealth…that’s the stuff I wanted, that’s how they got me to pull out my credit card. I wanted the shampoo would make me be 28 and beautiful again.  But it’s just freakin shampoo.

There’s a great lesson in this story though especially if you are in sales or fundraising.  You have to keep asking because you never know how things have changed since the last time you asked. If you are trying to raise money for neglected kids you may ask the same people  for a donation over and over and finally, on the 34th ask, they write you a check.  I might ask a client to advertise a dozen times before they sign the contract.  It’s all about tenacity. A brilliant sales coach, Neal Gladner told me this over and over but I never got it until I bought a stupid bottle of shampoo for 29 dollars!

I’m actually ok with my purchase. I don’t have the thick wavy tangle- free auburn hair I was hoping for, but I understand the importance of tenacity in sales…. And I got a free gift! A  black comb came free free with my purchase. It’s not a magic comb, it’s made of plastic and has thick teeth, but at least it was free and will probably last longer than the damn shampoo.

If you read this and know my husband. Please don’t tell him. I’ve already canceled the order. Thanks

MAKEUP…Stuff That Works and Stuff that Sucks

MAKEUP…Stuff That Works and Stuff That Sucks

First, I buy my makeup at Wal-Mart. So.if you make more than $80,000 a year you don’t need to read this.

Recently, I spent fifty dollars on myself. It was a big deal to me and a really really big deal to my face.

Well, I’m looking in the mirror and things haven’t changed much. But there are some high and low points to report. For me, the make-up failure/success ratio is very important and the products that cost me money but don’t work really piss me off.

First, the item that upset me the mostGarnier Ultra-Lift  Pro  Deep Wrinkle Roller. Oh my Lord, I’m so sad because I wasted nearly fifteen bucks on some juice that doesn’t seem to work and doesn’t even feel good when I put it on. According to Garnier it was going to “plump skin from within and push even deep wrinkles up and out”. Push things up and out? I’ve got bras that made the same promise and you know what? They get the job done.

It comes in a plastic roller, like a deodorant roller, so when you put it on your wrinkles it’s hard and cold. And, after three weeks of religious use, I’m pretty sure I look exactly the same (except I’ve lost my tan because the summer is almost over).  According to the ad, which stared Sara Jessica Parker, this stuff was going to  “lift and firm my face” and give me more “defined contours”. In other words it was going to make my neck look like it was chisiled out of granite, like Sarah’s.  I wanted to see right angles, or at least minimal results. I got nothing…nothing. And it feels clinical  when you put it on. I can smear olive oil on my face with a Q-tip and get better results.

At least my old standby,Olay Active Hydrating Cream feels nice and silky  when I rub it in. And it comes in that comforting light pink box that reminds me of my grandmother, Bubba.  She had beautiful skin.

Next up…L’ore’al’s Cobalt Smokes Studio Secrets Eye Shadow.

The product itself is fine I guess. It’s four, truck-stop shades of blue eye shadow in a plastic box. But someobdy must have been smoking crack when they wrote the instructions on the back.  Not only were they impossible to understand because they didn’t actually make sense but the outcome was laughable. According to the ad I was supposed to “easily create a smokey effect for my eye color”.  I even had my daughter’s 13 and 14 year old friends try to decipher what it was L’Ore’al wanted me to do. After several attempts the girls just laughed and laughed then started texting each other even though they were in the same room.

And the winner of the day?  Maybelline’s the Falsies Macaria. This stuff, which comes in a fat purple tube and costs less than seven dollars, it outstanding.  I have exceptionally wimpy eyelashes. With the help of Falsies, I look pretty good. And Lexie, who has average eyelashes looks really really good. We don’t look as good as the hoochie mommas in their commercials, but we’re getting close. And, Maybelline has a pretty cool website for this product.

Maybe the secret to beauty isn’t in the shopping, it’s in the research.  Last year Mary (oldest daughter) read an article extolling the virtures of a sugar and water paste as an exfolliant.  We all tried it and it’s true. Sugar and water smeared on your face it wonderful. It’s makes your skin smooth and soft and it costs less than a nickel.  Just rinse the sink well when your done or you’ll have an ant problem in the morning.