Soft Porn and Weight Loss

Hallelujah, sisters. I’ve discovered the key to losing weight this summer. I swear, it’s the perfect plan.

Last week I downloaded the epic bestseller, soft porn/fiction Fifty Shades of Gray to my Kindle. Then I stepped aboard my favorite elliptical at Anytime Fitness for a quick twenty minute work out.

FIFTY MINUTES latter I looked up from my titillating  dirty book.(How often do I get to use titillating?) Fifty minutes on the elliptical with the resistance set at 8. I burned 560 calories and nobody was even naked yet.  But they were headed that way.

I was drenched with sweat, my calves ached and somebody was obviously waiting for me to get off the elliptical. How long had they been waiting? I was embarrassingly oblivious to their impatient stares. The protagonist, Anastasia (of course her name is Anastasia) was getting kissed and groped in an elevator.

By the time I’m finished with this book I’ll look like a lanky super model! I can’t wait to get back to the gym.

 Fifty Shades of Gray isn’t a great book, it’s not even that well written. There are some awkward cliches to stumble over, but it’s so easy to get lost in. It’s so easy to pull the sheet over your head and absolutely lose track of time, even on an elliptical.

And if  you’ve got  it on a Kindle, nobody has to know what your reading!  For all they know you are studying the latest issue of Psychology Today or rereading War and Peace. I can hide my dirty little secret from friends and family.

So, when you se me super skinny and smiling this summer you know what’s going on.  Soft porn and the elliptical. Now I’ve just to to figure out a way to keep reading during  the taekwondo and boxing classes.

I Feel Like Crap, Maybe It’s The Weather

I feel like crap. My neighborhood has been torn up by storms and tornadoes, there’s a pile of wet socks next to the washing machine, my dog really stinks and I’ve got terrible windshield wipers so driving is treacherous. It hasn’t stopped raining, storming, blowing and tornadoing here, in Arkansas, in weeks, and I feel like crap. Maybe it’s the weather.

There’s actually not a lot of evidence linking depression and general funk to bad weather but damn, I’m in a bad mood and I really shouldn’t be. So, I have to blame it on something, might as well be the weather.

I feel so bad I can’t even recognize anything positive.  My husband snores, we have tiny tvs, no flat panel or HD, I have an ugly desk at work,  my ac doesn’t work in my car and I have funny looking feet.  What the hell.

I know I should work out, it always makes me feel better, but the Anytime Fitness parking lot had white caps. I needed a snorkel (I love that word) to cross the parking lot. Screw it. who wants to work out, that’s what I said, instead of working out. End result? I felt even worse.

There are plenty of article suggestion light therapy, yoga, exercise and a long vacation would make me feel better. All those things would probably work, but what the hell. I’m going to find a blanket and watch Ralph Machio on Dancing With the Stars. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow.