Words I’m Not Allowed To Say Anymore

Recently my youngest son said these words, “A girl at school told me my eyebrows were on fleek.”

Me, “Huh?”

Boy says,”On fleek, it means on point or good…something like that.”

An hour later I tried to use the term. “Honey, dinner was on fleek, tonight.”

“Sorry mom, that’s not working. You probably can’t say that.  Sounds too weird.”

Vocabulary is a bizarre thing.  It can make you seem cool or really really old.  Slang words come and go so fast by the time adults figure them out they are out of style.

Hearing an older adult still using the word “bling” is embarrassing and painful. Bling faded out at least ten years ago. If I used the word “cheddar” in place of money my kids would probably push me out of a moving car.

I remember how horrified I was when my fifty year old mom said , “Vice President Dan Quall  ‘delish. I’d scoop on him.'”  Noooo!  Everything about the sentence was wrong, especially her use of the term “delish and scoop.” Grosss!

So this year when I looked at the new words in the dictionary I told myself to be cautious.  I’m not gonna jump up and tell a client not to “throw shade” at me if they treat me disrespectfully.

I’m not going to tell my husband his idea for fixing a lamp with duct tape is “weak sauce” and I’m not going to accuse my co-worker of a “humble brag” when she tells me she “only volunteered at the homeless shelter twelve hours last week.

The one word I might hang onto is “microagression”. Because that’s legitimate. Microagression is subtle or unintentionally saying something that belittles a minority or group.  There’s an older  guy at work who constantly refers to women as “you girls.”  He says things like, “Well you girls just couldn’t understand how important it is to change your oil on a regular basis.” Hey, I’m not a girl and of course I understand the importance of oil changes. He doesn’t mean to offend me but man he pisses me off.

It’s fun to study the new words and phrases, but if you’re older than thirty be careful. You’ll end up sounding older than you are, I’ll have to give you the “side eye” then “ghost.”

PS…I learned yesterday “on fleek” is already out.


Botox For My Birthday!

My birthday is right around the corner and I absolutely know what I want. Botox. That’s right, for the second year in a row I’m asking my family for Botox for my birthday. I asked for it last year but they got me a new grill. Ok, I’ll grill you a steak if you’ll give me what I really want.

In asking for Botox I’m asking for an easy and quick way to look younger. Generally, I’m very confident so I probably don’t need any more of that.

Yes, I know what’s involved, but that’s fine by me. Here’s the truth. I’m a lot older than most of the parents around here, I work out in a gym filled with 25 year olds and three nights a week I’m in a Taekwondo class filled with 15-30 year olds. I have to stand in front of mirrors with these guys, so I need some help. Botox.

I can sculpt my body all by myself. I can run and lift weights so my legs still look pretty hot, I do push ups and curls so my arms have more definition than most of the guys on the high school football team. But I haven’t been able to find any face exercises to help me loose the wrinkles. Botox just makes sense.

Maybe my husband does actually love my crow’s feet and the line between my eyebrows (he’s weird like that) but I don’t. They drive me crazy. I would sleep with duct tape on my forehead every night if I thought it would help. But it doesn’t, instead it leaves the gray sticky stuff on your skin and that’s not so sexy.

So, if you wife or mom asks for Botox as a gift, don’t say something lame like “Oh no, you look beautiful just the way you are.” Try to understand her point of view. Today’s society praises and rewards those who look young.

My birthday is just a month away, no more grills or patio furniture. Just give me what I want, and remember “happy wife= happy life”.