Working Out For Boobs

working outAttention: If you are under forty you don’t need to read this one.

Recently, I realized once you hit 45 your entire mind set changes about working out, exercise and fitness. Because I am a woman in America, and I have been for quite a while, I started worrying about weight and shape and working out when I was probably four years old.

Actually, those “I must be hot” self improvement thoughts first exploded into my head when I slow danced with a boy named Steve Weatheral in 6th grade. In the words of Marsha Brady, “he was so dreamy.” Steve had the 1970’s swoopy dirty blond hair and he hummed while we danced to  Love will Keep us Together by  The Captain and Tennille. (There next big hit was Muskrat Love)

We were both invited to a swim party the next weekend and I really wanted to find a way to grow boobs before the weekend.

Once a girl starts thinking about improving her body… never stops. Bigger hips, smaller butt, better calves, flatter tummy, bigger boobs, sleeker arms, thinner thighs.  We are an ongoing work in progress. We are just like the construction projects my husband starts at our house but never finishes. The needs, plans, wants and desires are constantly changing so the project is never finished.

Until that day between 45 and 55. You suddenly realize your “uber hot” days are probably gone. Sure the 70 year old man at the YMCA still hits on me when I’m doing leg presses but I’m no long subconsciously working out all the time in order to attract a mate. I’ve got a mate, he’s the guy who never finishes our kitchen modeling project. And he doesn’t care if I gain fifteen pounds. In fact he likes the extra weight because it makes my boobs get bigger.

The truth is I do want to be hot again, like I was at 26….but that’s probably not going to happen.

So, I now lift weights now because I like muscle definition. I’m competitive and want to do things other people can’t.  I work out because I have the brain of a junky and I really like the endorphins.  I train in Martial Arts because I love my Taekwondo family and don’t want to stop hanging out with them. Recently I started running again because I want to brag and tell people I run 5ks.

I’m still doing almost exactly what I did 20 years ago but my motivation has changed.  I don’t work out to get a man, I’m way past that. And apparently I’m even more shallow and childish than I was at 13.

Older Women Make Beautiful Lovers?

I was driving to Little Rock today and heard the TG Sheppard song, “Older Women Make Beautiful Lovers”. Gross, but I started singing along cause it’s a stupid catchy song. 

I was in the radio station pick up with lights and decals, I could sing old country songs. “Older women, they understand. I’ve been around some and I’ve discovered Older Women know just how to please a man.”  I was smiling because it’s so moronic and I knew ever word….I thought.

TG sang, “Every body wants those younger women. From eighteen on up to……………”

I sang thirty five, or was it thirty nine? But that’s not what TG Sheppard sang. He said, from “eighteen on up to twenty five…” WTF?

On up to twenty five. That’s the cut off for “younger women”?  I nearly drove into a ditch. Twenty six is an older woman for younger women? My world emploded. I needed to call my daughter Mary, who is 23 and tell her she’s almost an “older woman”.

Instead, I called my friend “Bob” who is fifty and has a wife who is twenty seven. “I’ve got bad news for you buddy. You don’t have a hot young wife. You’re married to an “older woman.”

Then I called my best friend who is my age and way way way past twenty five. “We’re so far past being older women we can’t even see the sign in our rear view mirror.”

She thought it was funny but I kind of wanted to cry because I have a birthday next week. In my mind I’m still a four or five. In TG Sheppard’s mind I’m charity. I’m a freaking two.

But wait. I’m in decent shape. I can kick most twenty four year old’s ass. Then I googled TG Sheppard.  Sure he had 14 top ten hits in the 70’s and 80’s but guess what? TG ‘Old Dude” Sheppard was born in 1944. Yeah baby.When was the last time he got a twenty two year old? He’s almost 70 years old.  Buddy you are a freaking t-rex and I’m still a 4.

Next time you get an “older woman” my age will be the highlight of your Classic Country Life.

I Feel So Sorry For Fergie…Really I Do

It’s rare that I feel sorry for uber hot women who make millions and millions of dollars. But I’m starting to feel a little sorry for Fergie of the Blackeyed Peas.

Yeah, I’m sitting at a little desk and pretty soon I’ll walk out and get in my little 2001 Nissan (with 212,000 miles pretty cool, right). But I’m worried about Fergie because her situation is  bleak.

Here’s the issue. Fergie is aging and it shows  Generally, white women, when compared to Asian, Hispanic and Black women, don’t age very well.  My mom used to say we had “cheap ten cent skin that didn’t last very long.”

 To make matters Fergie has to stand next to a couple of black men all the time.  They don’t age, they just get cooler and cooler.  Nobody knows or cares how old Will I Am is, and he wears so much bizarre stuff, we can’t really see his face. 

Will I Am is just the brilliant funky Blackeyed Peas dude. Fergie, on the other hand, is supposed to be “the hot one”, and from a distance she still is.  But white skin seems to crack faster than brown and black. It sucks but it’s the truth. When you look at publicity shots and their web site she looks just like she did five years ago because they can touch her up. But when you see her live or untouched photos it’s clear she’s aging like a normal woman.  Take a look at her neck.

Fergie is certainly much hotter than I am or I ever was, but she has thousands of people staring at her every day under bright lights and she’s not supposed to age. I’ve got four kids and a mortgage, people expect me to get old.

So, next time I’m in a group and I have to have my picture taken, I’m going to find a great big old white person. I’m sure as hell not gonna stand by the cool black dude.

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