Giant Shiny Bras At Walmart…Another Sign of Obesity

I’m going to lay it right out here, breasts in America are getting bigger. And I feel fairly certain it’s because we are all getting fatter.  Breasts are made of fat, so when a woman gains ten pounds her boobs get bigger.  Any woman will validate this fact.

But here’s more evidence of swelling boobage. I went shopping a couple of days ago and found myself surround by rows and rows of giant bras. I’m talking about massive bras with cups bigger than my son’s head.

I have pretty big boobs and have worn a 36 or 38 D for most of my life.  When I was a teenager they were considered gigantic, freakish, worthy of lengthy conversatons. Today that’s not the case, because so many women have boobs much much bigger and they lt them hang out there…all the time. Twenty years ago finding a bra that size was really hard and they were all ugly granny bras.  As a teenager I was sure all the bigger  bras had been designed by structural engineers and Baptist ministers. They might as well have been cut from burlap.  And the strap across the back was at least three inches, there’s no way that looked sexy.It was terrible.

Additionally, (as though buying a really hideous looking big bra when you are 15 isn’t bad enough),  most stores in the 70’s 80’s put the big bras on the lowest rack. So we had to search for our big ugly bras on our knees. Its no wonder I never wanted to go shopping.

Now, stores are filled with hundreds of glorious looking giant bras, shiny and sparkly and hot looking, even if you have boobies the size of basket balls.  And lots of bras big enough to hold three puppies are even kept at eye level because big boobs are the norm.

What does all this mean? Well, I’m really worried about the obesity rate in America , but I know there are a lot of “breast Men” in the world who love the new big ta-ta norm. So, at least for those guys the future is looking magnificent.

****If you want to read more about men and their evolutionary feelings about breasts this is a pretty interesting site.

#This is a re-written reprint because I went shopping again today and the bras were bigger and even prettier. Lucky me 🙂

Sit Down And Shut Up When You visit Your Kid’s Apartment

If you have a son or daughter who moves into their own place please read this. First, remember, if your kid invites you over you are really lucky. Nine times out of ten children will insist on meeting you in public so you can’t see how they are living. And sometimes it’s better that way. Maybe you can’t handle the truth.

But if you decide to go in you need to follow some serious rules.
When you first walk in, no matter what kind of nightmare national disaster you encounter, you must not gasp, shake your head or say something like ”
“Oh Lord.” You must keep smiling and talking without staring at the hairy kid with the catfish tattoo who’s sleeping on the couch. And don’t touch him either. Do not comment on the forty three Taco Bell bags behind the couch.
Now, find a place to sit down, then stay there. And don’t act like finding a chair is a big deal, even if you have to dig past dirty clothes and beer cans. Be Cool. Act as though it’s not a big deal. And please, do not pull out a germ-X wet wipe.

Once you are seated, stay there. That will keep you from doing the one thing you must not do. Clean. You absolutely positively can not start cleaning. Don’t touch the nasty dishes, don’t put dirty clothes into the empty laundry basket, do not empty the revolting ash trays. Just sit down and hold still If you start cleaning , you will offend your kiddo and they won’t ask you back. For at least 18 months. Would you walk into a friends house and start cleaning? I hope not.

While you are there, try not to use the bathroom. Sometimes a bathroom is so foul you’ll forget all the rules and start cleaning or crying.
Do not comment on the smell in the apartment, unless you seriously smell something burning. It’s their home. If they like the smell of wet dog and bong water that’s fine. Maybe what you smell is the roommate so bite your tongue and keep smiling and breath through your mouth..

If they offer you something to eat or drink, take it and say thank you. Do not point out that the coffee mug is chipped and dangerous, drink from the other side. Don’t try to pick the dried cheese off the plate with your fingernail. And don’t ask where the nice plates you gave him at Christmas went. Just take what they give you, look relaxed and smile. And you actually need to eat or drink, you can’t just fake it.

If a member of the opposite sex walks out of the bathroom or appears from a closet or bedroom don’t say, “Who are you?” Be polite and say something like, “Hi, I’m Diana, Joe Joe’s mom.” Again, be polite, You might try  “Those are  really pretty beads in your hair”.  Do not be nosey, you may not look at your son and say, “Did she sleep here last night?”. You actually don’t want to know the answer.

And finely, do not start poking around. Do not open drawers or cabinets, do not dig through closets. I promise you, you will not like what you find (a zip lock full of assorted condoms or midget porn). If you rummage  you are invading their privacy and you’ll never get invited back.

Things will get better as you child gets older. Eventually, they will clean the fridge and do the dishes, it just might take sometime.

Remember, your kid loves you, they invited you over! That’s an honor and probably means you did a good job. So, keep loving them and ignore the beer can sculpture.

Lady GaGa’s Love Game and Disco Stick Were Not The First

I know it seems as though really creepy sexy songs  just arrived on the musical scene but freaky lyrics have been around since the advent of rock and roll, actually it started with the blues. And by comparison, Lady GaGa’s “I want to take a ride on your disco stick” is pretty mundane.

Remember My Sharonna? “Running down the length of my thigh, Sharona, Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch“.

But wait, there were lots of dirty lyrics before the Knack. My bedroom nearly exploded when Rod Stewart came out with, Tonights The Night… he actually sang, “C’mon angel my hearts on fire Don’t deny your man’s desire You’d be a fool to stop this tide. Spread your wings and let me come inside“. It’s no wonder my parents nearly had seizures when I sang along with that one.

Ok, Marcy’s Playground just about hit it out of the creepy song park a few years ago with “I Smell Sex and Candy,” but what about George Michael’s I Will Be Your Father Figure, “put your tiny hand in mine, I will be your father figure, anything you have in mind.” How old is this kid with the tiny hand?  “Just for one moment to be warm and naked by my side“. That one always made me feel slimy.

I’m not defending the guys who wrote “Smack That” but rap and hip hop didn’t start this overtly sexual musical revolution.

How about Chuck Berry’s My Ding-a Ling,”Then mama took me to Sunday school. They tried to teach me the Golden Rule. But when the choir would stand and sing. I’d sit there and play with my Ding-a-ling-a-ling”.  I listened to that one on AM radio. And Chuck was always the thirty five year old man singing Sweet Little Sixteen to screaming little girls. Humm, in retrospect that seems kind of weird.

So, quite picking on Lady GaGa  and her Love Game and all those hip hop guys I can’t name. You know you were singing along when Warrent sang She’s My Cherry Pie…

Swingin’ in the living room
Swingin’ in the kitchen
Most folks don’t ’cause
They’re too busy bitchin’
Swingin’ in there ’cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater