Nipples the Pregnant Cat

First, cats in heat are repulsive. Santa brought a skinny little kitty with spots and a broken tale to our house on Christmas. It was tiny, scrawny and kind of mean. There was a not from Santa explaining to the kids, “Dancer stepped on this kitty’s tail, that’s why it’s all funky and crooked.”

Fast forward seven months. The scrawny cat is writhing in front of the door, clawing, begging to get out. Desperate to find a boy cat and love. Every time we open the door the cat tries to shoot out, ready to get “some”. The slut. Kitty ho’, Sleazy feline.

We slammed the door and she started rolling around on the floor having some kind of “kitty sex fit”. It’s embarassing…shocking even.  I thought I brought her up better than that.

Three damn times the cat escaped. Just three and twice we managed to chase her down. We trapped her in a corner or under the car. But once, just once, the hussy was too fast and disappeared into the bushes. Ten minutes latter we heard the howling and screaming….then she came home. Completely satisfied

Now, it’s mid-August and the cat is still skinny, almost bony, but her belly is so engorged she looks like she swallowed a bowling ball. I used to keep her food bowl on top of the dryer. Now, when she tries to jump up there, she misses by six inches and slides back down like a cartoon cat.

A month ago she was a sleek hunter, now she’s a rolly polly hungry bitch, who’s way too young to raise babies. She’s so selfish and self absorbed, how can she raise children?

Everyday Sandor is stunned by the change in her nipples. He calls them teats and no matter how many times the cat scratches him in the face (he even contracted true cat scratch fever) he thinks she’s “soooo cute”.

Sandor and I were keeping the cat’s pregnancy from my husband Alex. He doesn’t notice much because he’s a dude. But, after two weeks of being a way my daughter Lexie walked in the house and screamed, “Oh my God, the cat is soooo knocked up.”

There will be kittens. And in a few months you will see me with a cardboard box full of super cute. And you better take one of these kittens off my hands.

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