A good mom (or dad, I don’t want to be sexist) in the morning has to be both bi-polar and zen to get kids to school on time. you gotta be be exquisitely irrational, brutal and daring. One person, with just one personality, doesn’t stand a chance . Every morning I’m the wheeling dealing gambler, dictator, stand up comedian, dancing diva, chef, dj.
Daughter, “Mom what’s it like today?”
“Warm and rainy, almost 80 degrees,” Meteorologist Mom
“What shoes with this?” It’s a short fluffy skirt and Chuck Norris tee-shirt.
“Cowboy boots, not the suede ones, because of the rain, maybe a belt or something shiny with that shirt.” Fashion designer mom says.
I open the lap top and daughter says sweetly, “Lil Wayne, please?”
DJ/ Censor Mom yells, “Are you out of your mind? He can’t listen to that. Next request?”
We all laugh our way through ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It.” I do my little hootchie coochie dance.
Then boy asks for Weird Al. Nothing better in the morning. Pop Scholar Mom has everything on the lap top or can find it on YouTube.
But boy is still just staring at his scrambled eggs. He’s not a morning eatter, but I have to get a few calories in the kid. The Wheeler Dealer mom says, “What’s it gonna take to get you to eat?”
“I could do a donut.”
“Ok, you eat half the eggs and you can have a donut. But you have to drink milk, not juice.”
“Ok,” he says and crams exactly half the pile of eggs in his mouth, it’s grotesque. He swallows it all, as though taking a dose of cod liver oil. Nutritionist Mom hands him a donut and a glass of milk.
Daughter appears, looking really cute, in the boots and skirt. “So Mom, Roy is acting like such a punk to Heather since they broke up. He’s hanging all over other girls, big time. He gave Jessica a full back rub at lunch just to bug her. I swear I want to punch him in the face.”
“No face punching.”
She makes a face. “Then I’m going to talk to him and tell him to cut it out.”
“That won’t work,” Says Relationship Counselor Mom. “That’ll just give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s upsetting her. Just make sure she’s no where near him. If she can’t see him doing stupid stuff it won’t bug her. And make sure you keep her busy. Do something fun Friday night.”
“I still want to punch him. Stupid mean boys.”
“Yeah, stupid boys.” I say and she laughs.
“Hey, stop talking about stupid boys,” son says. He has a huge milk mustache.
“Oh my lord, boy! You don’t have any pants on yet. You have to wear pants to school, I’m pretty sure that’s a rule. Go get dressed. We leave in seven minutes.”
It doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes an entire staff of schizophrenic forward thinking professionals.
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