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Posts Tagged ‘parents’

Idiot Parents

mustangYesterday I heard a story on CBS News. Based on information from  The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety the best used cars for teens are “big, slow and ugly.” It took the insurance companies of America to point out the obvious.

I’m so sick of idiot parents who buy their teens a red Mustang V6 and with way too much horsepower and then they are surprised when their kids drives too fast.

I know your child has staggeringly white teeth and a 2.8 GPA and you want you baby to be popular but for the love of god, don’t put them in a sports car. Because they will drive way too fast and hurt and possibly kill themselves, their friends and other innocent people on the road.

Your teenager has a brain that is not fully formed.  That’s why teens make bad decisions sometimes.

You’re brain, Mom and Dad, is supposed to be all connected and put together. So you must make the sound judgment calls that will keep Joe Joe and Skippy safe.  But you apparently would rather be the cool dad and buy your kid (who, by the way, will probably lose their scholarships in their freshman year because of frat parties) a brand new Charger with a V8 and top speed of 175 miles an hour. Guess what, your kids is gonna drive way too fast in that car. And it’s your fault because you gave it to him for graduating from high school.

I drive super slow, I poke along like a sloth and I’m pretty sure if I had that car even I would drive too fast, because THAT’S WHAT THE CAR WAS DESIGNED TO DO!

Bottom line. You are a moron if you buy your kid a sports car. They will drive way way to fast. I can almost promise you that.  And when your child passes me on Highway 5 because I’m doing the speed limit and he wants to go 80 in his silver 2014  Mustang, when he causes an accident and he dies and I die, I swear to you my ghost and hopefully are going to come looking for you….the idiot parents.

Horrible Little Girls On The Beach

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Lex and I were lying in the soft, white sand, listening to the waves and seagulls. when a  family started hauling plastic buckets and shovels in our direction.  A young mom and dad dutifully  followed their seven or eight year old daughter in a sparkly pink two piece swimming suit. She looked adorable.

The parents plopped down into the sand then the little girl put her hands on her skinny hips and said, “Chop chop people this sand castle isn’t going to build itself.”

Lexie and I looked at each other with ” Oh my Lord, did you hear that?” expressions.

They all worked on the castle like Egyption slaves building the pyramyds for a few minutes then the little girl flung her pony tail back and forth and pointed at her smiling mother.  “If you’re not going to do what I say, you’re fired. Totally fired, get off my construction sight.”

The mom smiled and kind of laughted then walked away. She glanced at her handsome, shirtless,  husband, who did nothing, then she  sat down in a chair twenty feet away. She was smiling and then it became obvious she was nearly in tears.

First, I want to say I was so disapointed in the dad.  Why didn’t he stand up to his nightmare of a drama queen daugher and say “You can’t talk to your mother that way.” Instead he kept trying to laugh it off and he did as his daughter said. (That’s called being a slave.)

They kept working together for a few minutes and everything the girl did the father praised as though she’d discovered the cure to eboli.  It was stupid how they were sucking up to this kid.

The parents didn’t know what was wrong with their daughter, who continued to boss her dad around.  But Lexie and I knew precisly what was going on. She was a bitchy little Disney Channel kid.

If you watch the Disney Channel you will see countless adorable and beautiful little girls who are bossy, mean and narcissistic.  They talk to their mothers like they are idiots.. They treat their tv fathers like they are morons, and everyone claps and laughs.

The truth is. it may be kind of cute when they are little and percousis,  but you are raising a monster.  First it’s the sandcastle, then your daughter will look at you in Macy’s, roll her eyes, and say “can you hurry up and pay the woman?” and then when she’s seveenteen she’ll put her hands on her skinny hips, roller her eyes and say, “give me the keys now, I don’t want to wait anymore.”

That’s what the Disney girls do all the time. They are mean-spirited, aggressive, rude and they love to start fights and boss adults around.  Maybe  this all this started out as a way to balance the self esteem issuewith little girls….. but it’s back fired.

Because of Disney and Nickelodeon girls,    we are raising a generation of girls who are spoiled, bossy, mean and bratty.They will be unemployable in their twenties (because they won’t tolerate a boss) and what man will want to marry such a bossy bitch?

Parents you are not alone. If you are in your twentys or thirtys you  need to stand up, turn off Disney and Nick, tell your  girls “yes you are pretty and smart but NO you are not in charge.” If you don’t don’t have the guts to do that you will have to  deal with the oncoming nightmare of an unemployable, unmatchable, intolerable bitch of a little girl. They are beautiful but doomed.

Parents….seriously….ist’s up to you.

 

Finger Sucking and Toe Kissing Baby Stuff

toesWe do the weirdest most wonderful stuff to babies and I’m trying to figure out when and why that stops.

When you hold a baby, who’s only wearing a diaper, it’s almost impossible not to kiss their tummy. Or better still, we raspberried their bellies, making that famous prolonged fart noise.  We called those “Zorberts”  The babies would squeal with laughter. Their grins eating their fat faces and the result was hysterical, contagious happiness. I think I kept on Zorberting the kids until they were five or six and even then those ten second fart noises on their tummies made them laugh until they almost cried.

Why did that stop? It was fun and funny. But I’m thinking if I Zorberted 25 year old Jack’s hairy belly it wouldn’t be a cool moment.

When babies have jelly on their fingers or  play with your lips, the first thing you do is start sucking on their fingers, right? Again the result are peels of exquisite laughter. It’s beautiful. Trust me,  I don’t want to suck my kids fingers anymore. And after baby-hood, finger-sucking only takes place during early dating, right?

Toes, baby feet, they make me absolutely crazy. Baby feet look like uncooked biscuit dough and have an almost unworldly softness. the softness of baby feet have made me tear up and I don’t know exactly who. Who hasn’t kissed those fat soft baby feet over and over? Cause it’s one of the best things in life.  Do I want to kiss my ten year old son’s feet now? HELL NO! I think the almost primal need to kiss baby feet stops the moment they start walking. The fat softness disappears and they start to smell. No kissing required.

And when we hold a baby we all, almost instinctively, smell his hair. We hum and rock. We loose ourselves in the unmatched innocence and beauty of the new born. Babies are like prayers in our hearts, released, we are able to talk to God in a language we don’t know.

There was one thing I did to my babies, I don’t know if anybody else did and I’ve always was afraid to ask. When my kids had stuff on their faces, chocolate or jelly, stuff  like that, I would sometimes lick their face clean, like a cat licking her kittens. Obviously, this isn’t something I would do in public, I didn’t’ lick my kids in Wal-Mart. but if Mary had Jelly on her cheek and there wasn’t a rag handy, yeah, I’d lick her face.

To this day, all my kids think licking people is the funniest thing.  If Lexie and I are posing for a picture and Jack is in the room. odds are he’ll sneak up and lick one of us just as the shutter clicks. The ultimate photo bomb. Apparently, my wolf like licking warped them in some weird way.

I miss all those baby moves that resulted in sheets of laughter. But I guess Zorberts are gone for now. Until the next generation joins us and then the finger sucking, toe kissing, face licking will start all over.

 

 

When Adults Say Ignorant Stupid Stuff to Kids

   Parents and relatives tell kids stuff that’s simply not true, all the time.  I don’t think they mean to lie. We simply have wrong thoughts in our heads or  understand the world in a way that’s goofy and semi ignorant.

When adults say ridiculous stuff to you don’t get all jacked up. Don’t get mad and cut them out of your life.  Most of the time parents and adults, especially moms and grandmoms say crazy mean stuff.
My grandmother, Bubba, was a saint, one of the most loved women in Hot Springs, Arkansas. She was kind, generous, giving, warm and intelligent. She was also born in 1895, in south Arkansas.
That might explain why, when I was seven or eight years old, Bubba became concerned about the size of my nose.  Just so you understand I have a strong nose. It’s a serious nose, straight, masculine, and probably a little heavy for my face…but as my husband just said, “it’s not bulbous”. (thanks honey)ally  moms and grand moms, think they are helping you. They do love you,  they are just…..kind of stupid sometimes.

The truth is I have the Stell family nose.  It looks great on men. All the men in my family with the Stell nose were considered very handsome but I’m the only woman in several generations to carry this family feature.

Back to the story. When I was a little girl, my grandmother Bubba, whom I adored, suggested when I was watching tv I should hold my nose, wrap my entire hand around it…so it wouldn’t grow anymore.  She explained how the women in the Orient wrapped their feet so they would remain petite. Maybe I could do the same thing with my nose.

Until that moment I’d never really thought about my nose.  Obviously she’d been thinking about it a great deal.

So, I would spend hours watching the Brady Bunch and Gun Smoke with my hand wrapped around my nose. I didn’t offense then because I was just a little girl, but a few years later I figured things out.  Bubba thought my nose wasn’t very attractive, too big and heavy. And she wanted to help me because she loved me.

Ouch. My husband always says ‘if love hurts you’re doing it wrong.”

Since the day I figured out what Bubba was really saying, I haven’t had any doubt. my nose is waaay too big. But I do not believe for a second Bubba was trying  to hurt me or do me harm.  She just wanted me to be pretty and have a wonderful life.

Bubba also told me, when I was thirteen, I should stop running around barefooted. She said my feet would be the size of skillets and no handsome man would marry me.

My beloved Bubba was wrong. I’ve had two husbands and lots and lots of handsome men in my life. Apparently, they really don’t care about the size of my feet.

Again, Bubba wasn’t trying to hurt or criticize me. She believed she was right. She loved me and wanted me to have a handsome husband. Because in her mind that was the key to happiness.

So, when someone in your family says you are going to be a failure if you…., when they say  your life will be a disaster if you break up with a certain boy or fail to follow a particular career path, if they tell you your eyebrows need to be plucked or your hair should be blond…they probably love you. They love you and genuinely think they are helping.  Let their comments roll off your beautiful shoulders and melt into the mud puddles.

That’s what I did, along with my big nose and handsome husband.

On the other hand, if several people in your life are telling you the same thing, like, “That guy is a super creep, stay away from him.” You probably need to take their advise seriously. They want you to be happy and they see something you don’t.

But DO NOT wrap you hand around your nose while watching tv, that doesn’t work.

Hey College Kid…This Is What Really Makes Us Mad

   You are in college, you are 18 or 19 years old now….you know everything now, you are so worldly and mature.  You stay out all night, drink with your teachers and don’t actually know the last name of the guy you are sleeping with.  As parents this makes us sad but we understand you are consided “an adult”, wise as Yoda and smarter than Stephen Hawkins.  

But I’m going to tell you about the one thing that really really pisses parents off. Then, because you are so freakin’ wise and mature, maybe you won’t do it again.

As parents we actually like supporting you financially sometimes. It makes us feel needed. Don’t feel too bad when your tire blows out and you need two hundred dollars…it happens.  We want to give you money for the brake job and the horribly expensive  biology book because these are all signs you are movnig in the right direction.

But the thing that makes me hyperventilate, that leaves me so angry I want to throw my keyboard throw the window or jerk the entire glass and cup rack out of the dish washer and hurl it across the kitchen, loaded down with all those breakablaes is this…

You come home from college with a plan or idea.

“Mom, I’m going to buy this beautiful registered rottweiler, she has all her papers and she’s pregnant!  I can buy her for 300 dollars but each one of her puppies will be worth 300 dollars too!  I’ll make at least a grand before I go back to college. The puppies and the mom will be really easy to sell.”

“How do you know who the daddy is?” I ask.

“The owner of the dog, James, he told me and pure blood too. James, has to move and needs the money, otherwise he would keep her and sell the puppies himself.”

“Honey, you don’t know this guy and do you have any proof about the father?”

“No mom, I told you, I’ve know this guy for a while, he’s great. And he knows all about the dad.  You just don’t understand.  This will give me extra money for next semester.  All I have to do is take care of the mom for a month then sell the puppies in 8 weeks.”

I try not to get angry but this plan is  obviously absolute cow poop. “Honey, you don’t have a place to keep a dog that size and what if the puppies aren’t really pure breed?  I think this guy is just trying to unload a pregnant dog on you and make 300 dollars.’

“Nooo” she sighs and rolls her eyes because I’m so stupid. “James told me, he’s register too ,so the puppies will be beautiful and I’ll be able to sell them really quick. God, I acn’t believe you don’t get his mom. It’s easy money.”

“Please don’t do this” I plead,” I think it’s a really bad idea.”

Anyone care  to take a guess at the ending of this puppy tale?

My daughter pays James $300 bucks and he disappears like smoke.The puppies are born, a hideous cross between Rottweiler, Beagle and a Catahoula Hog Dog. There are nine puppies and they are alarmingly ugly. The mother struggles after giving birth so we take her to the vet. She has to stay over two nights, $313 dollars. The puppies need shots $300 dollars.

My daughter can’t give the mutant  puppies away. Six of the nine need braces and one is missing three toes. But it’s  time for her to go back to college.

As she leaves to move back into her pristine dorm room, she promises me she’ll pay me back, she’ll make it up to me, she’ll find people who want ugly puppies.

I’m so screwed and angry I can barely speak. I hug her, shove her into her car before I say something so vile my face will burst into flames.

I’m stuck with the “Elephant Man” puppies and mom. They eat and poop and chew and bark all the time.

That’s it.    Brilliant and worldly college students, this is what we hate. When you refuse to take our advise or counsel, then we have to bail your stupid ass out and clean up the mess.

A few years ago we were 19. We were beautiful morons with flawless skin, just like you, and we made some insane mistakes.  We really do know more than you because we’ve lived through more.

I will happily give you $100 dollars to get a new windshield for your car. But please, stop ignoring my advise and counsel then expect me to clean up you mess and bail your dumb ass out of an unnecessary jam.

We love you, now brush your teeth, drink a glass of milk and go to class. You’re not nearly as smart as you think you are.

***Leave a comment or write to me at hampoland@gmail.com!

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid Adults

Dear Adults,        Sometimes you are so stupid I want to hit you in the face with a coffee mug. How can you be so self absorbed and blind?

Lexie has a fifteen year old friend who is very dear to our entire family. She has been part of our world and Lexie’s best friend since 3rd grade. Sadly, Julie is surrounded by adults with enormous problems. Problems with the law, problems with relationships and marriage, and as a result psychological problems. And these adults talk talk talk all the damn time about their problems and unfortunate circumstances.

Julie, is very mature for her age (she’s had to grow up fast) . She listens and counsels and absorbs all their heavy, dank garbage. She worries and frets because she’s totally submerged in all these issues all the time.

 It’s summertime so she doesn’t even get a break during the day. She’s at home with the stupid adults and their problems.

The adults in her life have problems of their own making, they screwed up. And now Julie is swimming in the problem pool with them, 24/7. As a result she’s become depressed…very very depressed.

THE PROBLEMS ARE NOT JULIES! BUT THEY HAVE EATTEN HER LIFE UP BECAUSE HER ADULTS DON’T KNOW WHEN OR HOW TO SHUT UP!

Just because a kid is mature does not mean adults should tell them all the details of their stupid freakin’ issues and woes. Do not tell them all about your marriage problems. Do not tell them all about your relationship problems. Do not tell them all about your court case and legal issues and if you feel suicidal…don’t lean on a teenager! That’s not fair or right.

Julie should be thinking about cute boys, shoes, her tan line, school, her future, her phone, movies and friends. But she’s not. She’s worrying about the adults in her life because they talk AT her 24 hours a day, they blow up her phone, they text and they talk and talk and talk. She’s sitting in a vat of “other people’s problems” and she’s too kind and caring to tell everybody to shut the hell up.

I have never been more worried about a child in my life.

Teens #1 Complaint About Their Parents

I was poking around on Twitter and found the category/hash tag for “I hate it when my parents…”. In Twitterland it looks like this#ihatewhenmyparents.

As far as I can see the number one complaint from teenagers and kids seems to be when we ask who they are texting. First, I kind of want to tell all these whinny kids to shut up and stop bitching because I’m paying for your phone, but that won’t really help.

Instead, I will say this. Kids, you need to understand that cell phones are very new, and texting is even newer. The first text was sent in 1994 and it was really slow catching on. Now all teens text all the time.  You keep your cell phone clutched in your fist like the  Bald Eagle keeps his deadly talons  wrapped around the American flag.  God forbid anyone try to remove that cell phone from you fist.

As an adult, I can tell you,  it seems as though you are having a bunch of conversations with people we can’t see or hear, right in front of us. Wait, that’s exactly what you are doing. And it’s really really rude. I know you don’t see it that way because you grew up with texting. But we don’t know who you are talking to or what you are talking about. And that’s creepy.

For all I know my beautiful fifteen year old daughter  might be making a deal with a pimp to buy hookers for her boy friend along with an ounce of Purivian cocaine…and she’s doing all this while she is eatting a Pop Tart in the kitchen with me.

You wouldn’t sit at the dinner table with me, eating Thanksgiving dinner, while having a detailed conversation on the phone. You know that would be rude because you are a smart kid.Well, texting is the same thing.And at least, when you are on a real phone, we get the general idea that what and who you are talking to. I’m able to tell you are making plans to go to the movie with your friends and you are not discussing the rising prices of condoms or how to buy Jack Daniels without an ID.

When you text in front of us, we don’t know what the hell you are talking about or who you are talking to. Don’t get mad when we ask, be grateful you have a parent that cares.  I know a lot of kids who don’t have any adults in their lives who care what or who they do.

So we ask, “who are you talking to?” Answer politely, unless it is a Colombian drug lord, and stop texting while you are hanging out with us. We love you and don’t really want to take your phone away. And when you grow up, if you text in front of your boss, he’s probably going to fire you.

The second biggest complaint about parents on Twitter seems to be “I  hate it when my parents come in my room, then when they leave they don’t close the door.”  Hey, grown ups, close the door when you leave your teenagers room! Good Lord, thats just common courtesy…so they can text bad things about you in peace. Just kidding.  I don’t think they are actually interested enough in our lives to spend much time texting about us.

Please let me know what you think, write to me at hampoland@gmail.com  or leave a comment. You can even text me if your really need to.

Stop Being Mean To Your Kids In Public, It Makes You Look Pathetic

Please, stop being mean to your kids in public. I don’t care if you are a redneck in Wal-Mart or picking up a espresso in Starbucks. You look and sound like a witch when you are rude or snarky to your own kids in public.

Seriously, do you think anyone wants to invite you over for a beer or a spin class when you treat your child with absolute disdain in public? Do you think the cute guy with tight little sideburns wants to spend any time with a woman who is mean to her kids. Here’s what he’s thinking, ‘if she’s mean to her kids she’ll probably be mean to me too”.

And consider this, when you are mean, tense, snarky or short with your child, I’m pretty sure, you look about ten years older than you are. It’s true.

Don’t yell at them, don’t roll your eyes and hiss at them, don’t swat them on the back of the head or I’m going to inject myself into the situation.

Ok, so you’re busy texting and talking and trying to decide what shade of hose you really need. Yeah, that stuffs pretty important, but don’t act like a spoiled thirteen year old when your child interrupts because he really has to go to the bathroom.

Smile, for God’s sake. He needs you. And don’t make the “I’m such a martyr” sigh, The one you make so all the world knows you are overworked and exhausted. Lot’s of moms seem to specialize in that noise. Cut it out.

And here’s my final tip, don’t spank a crying child and expect him to stop crying. She’s going to cry more if you hurt her. And again, you’re making your self look bad and everyone standing close to you is thinking that poor kid has such horrible, mean, stupid parents