HampoLand

rainbow

Posts Tagged ‘men’

Men Are Afraid of Me….I Think

Every week day, I get up, get dressed, do make up, hair, perfume, pick out jewelry and head off to work. And here’s what I’ve noticed in the past few years.  On the rare occasion  someone says “you look nice” ,”that’s cute” or “you smell good” it’s never ever a man.  Ever.  The only people who say anything remotely positive are young women. Yesterday, it was my friend Tasha…she’s 28 or 29 I think. The day before it was my daughter Lex (you can always count on daughters).

Now, here’s the part of this story that really gets me, and I promise, I’m not looking for compliments. I hear men compliment younger women (20-38) all the time. I understand at that age they are simply more attractive. I was fairly hot when I was twenty eight and living in the Keys. But men, you could find something nice to say if your tried, I really believe that.

I think the problem is men are scared to say anything nice to a woman 40 and older.  I think they are afraid we’ll think they are creepy, misogynistic, sexist or slimy.  Guys, if you say something like “hey baby you look smokin’ hot this Monday morning” you’re right, I’ll think ugly thoughts about you and I’ll work hard not to punch you in the throat.

If instead you say, “good morning, Diana, you look nice today,” you will absolutely make my day. I promise. I really need the compliment now.

When I was 28 or 30 I didn’t really need your compliments. I knew I had it going on. Men, when you tell a beautiful 32 year old how amazing she looks it’s kind of like putting sugar in the Cool-aid. Young women who post a lot of selfies probably already know how hot they are.

But when you say something nice to a 50, 70 or 80 year old woman it’s different, every kind word is like a lovely salve on the wound of time. When you say something nice to a grown woman, I promise you ninety nine percent of the time…you’ll make her day.

Wait, I’m going to revise my stand.  You don’t have to stop compliment the pretty young girls, you just need to include us too.  (I don’t want to sound old and bitter and jealous. Too late? Damn It.

I tell random men they look nice all the time. I tell strangers they smell good at the grocery store (if they are wearing smell good stuff they want to smell nice) , I tell bank tellers I like their Picasso ties, I told a dude at the Dollar Store yesterday that his high tops were cool looking.  A compliment makes people smile, it makes people happy, so who am I to deny other people joy.

So men, fear not! It would be wonderful  if you said something nice to a woman over 40 today. Don’t be afraid. If she misunderstands…she’s an idiot.

 

PS: My husband is excluded from this blog. He said something nice as I left the house this morning.

Woman vs Man

danceI was in the soup isle at Kroger when a couple rolled up behind me.

The forty year old wife said “I didn’t really like that thing I fixed last night. It wasn’t very good.  What did you think.”

The man wisely said, “It was ok.”

“You’re lying,” she snapped. “What are you doing?”

I accidently laughed out loud. “He’s trying not to fall of the ice burg into the cold black water, that’s what he’s doing.”

The husband laughed out loud and I’m sure the wife glared at me as I rolled away. I probably got the guy in trouble.  Once in the car I’m sure she hounded him about who I was and why I would say such a thing.

The truth is women are always setting traps for men.  And I don’t know why we do it.  We turn their words around, upside down and back wards then accuse them of being heartless, uncaring, cold or distant. When in reality men are just trying to figure out how to answer a question without getting in trouble.

But women can’t let it go.  We insist on making a fight out of absolutely nothing. I’m guilty too.  When I’m feeling insecure or unloved and I ask Alex how I look he sometimes makes the unforgivable mistake of saying “Fine.”

Well, that just blows me up. “Fine is average, fine is ok or mediocre. You’re saying I’m a five out of ten? Cause that’s what fine is. You didn’t say fine like Barry White your fine is a five.” and our night out is ruined.

Splash, my unwitting husband has fallen off the ice burg into the bottomless , frigid pit of my heart.  And he didn’t even know he did anything wrong.

I will agree that most men, including my husband, don’t realize how callous they can seem, even accidently. And they don’t realize how hard it is to be a woman over 30.  We are sensitive and needy creatures.

But maybe it’s time to cut them a little slack. We shouldn’t use their own words to crucify them when they were actually trying to be nice. I’ve started trying to warn Alex before he says the thing that will set me off. I say “The water is very very cold,” and most of the time he backs up from the edge and trys to say the right thing.

You see, if we let them fall off the ice burg, or we push them off all the time, pretty soon we’ll find ourselves standing there all alone. And nobody wants to be alone.

 

How to Win Your Woman’s Heart…Trick Her

usDriving through Hot Springs this morning I started thinking about my husband, Alex….and the night he won me over. Most men have an opening line they use to pick up women. But Alex’s was so ridiculously sincere and immature that it worked.

Twenty years ago Alex was the chef at a Mexican restaurant in a cool old building on Ouachita Avenue.  He was always flirting and asking me out but I ignored him. At that time he was pretty hot,  (that’s sounds bad, he’s still ha handsome man) he had a swimmers body and long black ringlets. Lots of women in town were after him so I figured he was a player and just laughed him off.

One night I was on a date with a landscape architect from North Carolina. Of course we went to Alex’s restaurant, Acapulco’s. My date was sweet but boring and hopelessly in love with me. So he was trying way too hard. Yuck.

When he got up to go to the bathroom Alex blew out of the kitchen, walked right up to my table and said, “What the hell? I saw you first.”

He was so adorable I had to laugh. And we talked until my date came back. He made the mistake of asking Alex where we should go for an after dinner drink.

Alex told him we had to go to “Edelweiss “. It’s now the Brau Haus (and sadly about to close) . The restaurant is in Spencer’s Corner a wonderful historic brick building in Hot Springs. (It used to house a brothel called The Piggly).

Of course by the time we got to Edelweiss Alex was already there, waiting for us. Smiling smugly. It was over for the landscape architect.

So men, this Valentines day be creative, be persistent, manipulative, cunning, deceptive and immature. You’ll win her heart for sure.

Boys, Boobs and Bears

    For three nights I slept in a bear cave.   I went to Nashville to visit my son, Jack, who is 25. ( He and his band,  Natural Outlaws, put on an kick ass show at the Exit Inn.)  Before I got to Nashville, Jack asked if I wanted to get a hotel room or stay at his house? 

“I want to see you guys, I’m staying at the house.”

“Ok,” he said and I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll wash my sheets.”

While I was there a handful of guys from the band were in and out of the house, watching football, playing Madden, drinking, playing music, eating and sleeping( among other things) I was reminded of three things I already knew about boys/men living on their own.

You see, guys are actually bears with pants and guitars and we should all stop beating guys up for being…..guys. At twenty five all of these boys have graduated from college, they have jobs, pay their own bills on time and have car insurance. They take care of themselves. But they are not like us. They are bears who do what ever they want to do, when ever they feel like it. They don’t have to answer to anyone, they take care of each other, they are beautiful and powerful, like bears, in their natural habitat. But their rules and lifestyle are completely different from the rest of the world’s.

1. Guys don’t mind sleeping in their clothes and they don’t bathe as much as women…because they really don’t care about being clean or how they smell. Most women are compulsive about being clean. We shower two or three times a day. Guys shower when they have to or when somebody tells them they smell bad.

2.  Guys like looking at and trying to talk to hot semi-slutty looking girls. It’s in their nature.  Several of Jack’s friends ended up sleeping on the couch after a really, really late night. The next morning they explained what they could remember and James a crazy-smart brillant pianist explained  that around 2 am he absolutely had to go to a bar down town that’s something like Coyote Ugly where the girls dance on the bar. He knew it was dumb but he said he just wanted to see those hot dancing women. This boy had no intention of dating, sleeping with or even talking to any of the girls (I’m assuming) . He just liked looking at them and dancing like a fool…cause he’s a guy and it’s fun. Girlfriends and wives need to remember men don’t want to run away with hot girls who dance on bars or strippers. But they really like looking at them.

3. Guys like to fight, for them it’s fun.  I woke up at two in the morning and heard lots and lots of really loud yelling. Because I didn’t hear Jack’s voice I went back to sleep. The next morning two of the guys tried to remember what happened. They  thought they got in a fight over Madden NFL, then, just because they are dudes, they starting fighting. They beat the hell out of each other, then went to the ground, they rolled through three rooms, until one tapped out.

The next morning they were both a mess, sore and bruised but they were laughing.

If two twenty five year old girls had a fight at 2am the next morning their would be an arctic like chill in the air. They wouldn’t laugh or tease each other. They would drink their tea in hostle silence. Maybe after several hours of cold shoulders they would cry and hug but there would be no laughter.

Guys like fighting, it’s fun and they don’t care if they get hurt. Fights aren’t personal, they are recreational.  Women need to understand that.

And finally, guys don’t care if food is healthy, they don’t care if it’s loaded with salt, fat or chemicals. They just want it to taste good. And dudes don’t care if they get fat. Generally, they eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full, like bears. And they don’t understand why girls obsess over weight, why we can’t stop nibbling and we eat when we are upset. When guys want to lose weight they stop eating and play basketball. Maybe we could learn something from them.

 We need to stop beating dudes up because they act like bears. God made them that way and maybe we can learn something from them.

Stupid Men and Mind Games

Men and women are both stupid and so different. This becomes painfully apparent every time I get mad at a man.

When Alex gets upset with me he generally walks away, starts reading or watches a dumb CSI type tv show. 

 When I get mad I let him know it. I do crazy things to show him  how up set and angry I am.

I don’t set up the coffee pot, so it’s not ready for him in the morning. (So Evil)

I don’t fold his clean laundry, instead I leave it in a heaping pile on his dresser.

I move all the good pillows to my side of the bed when he’s not paying attention.

Wicked right?

I have a good friend who happens to be a man and I get mad at him ALL THE TIME!  When I’m mad and he texts me…I send back one word answers.  I put stuff on his desk without talking to him.

I feel as though my red hot seething lava like anger is so obvious, they would have to be absolute idiots not to notice. But guess what? The men in my life never ever notice my angry gestures. The empty coffee pot means nothing to Alex. He might grumble about it but he never connects it to my anger. He just figures I forgot.

Women, if you are mad at a man, he’ll never know  unless you do one of two things.  1. Tell him   2. Break his windshield with a cinder block….then tell him.

If you stop talking to him, burn his toast or leave the room every time he walks in…he will not make the connection.  He’ll just think you’re having hormone problems and want to be left alone.

The strange thing is, women never play these stupid emotional mind games with children.  If we are mad at our kids….we tell them….instantly. We don’t give them soggy cereal or show up late for their games, we don’t give them the silent treatment….we tell them what we expect, what they did wrong and then we move on….we get over it.  Why do we play coy games with our men but not our children?

The truth is, most guys just don’t get it…Or maybe they do and evolution has changed their DNA. Maybe over thousands of years they’ve come to realize there’s absolutely nothing they can do to appease us when we are ticked off.

We think they don’t talk to us enough, they aren’t romantic enough, they don’t appreciate us enough, they don’t spend enough time with us.  Guys think all these requests are kind of pathetic and they have no intention of changing.

 DNA and life experience has taught them, they can’t rationalize with an angry woman,  so they might as well find a bad tv show, figure out how to make the coffee and  fold their own laundry.

Kill The Romantic!…Men Are Doomed

A couple of months ago I saved a friend from making a deadly romantic mistake. The fool really liked a nurse he’d been dating and wanted to send her flowers…at work! NOOOO! You can’t do that! She’ll run away.

The poor man is over 45 so he didn’t understand the new rules. Romance is now the kiss of death.  The wonderful sweeping  gestures men used to make are taboo.  If you send her flowers you’ll seem desperate rather than romantic. If you call her and leave a sweet message or a note you are pathetic or worse  a stalker.

Men with any sense of theater or romance are doomed in this culture. A few weeks ago my daughter, Lexie wrote a blog about the cop who couldn’t stop thinking about a woman he ticketed. He left her a harmless and sweet note…so she’s suiing him.What’s the matter with you?

Good Lord woman, you are probably the same B*%ch who complaines about men and their lack or romance, at  Outback  on Martini Mondays. If a man is interested in anything more than texting a bootie call at 3am you think he’s a stalker.

Romance takes guts and imagination. Still, we slam the guy who has the nerve to send us flowers.

Twenty years ago my husband, Alex, asked me out a couple of times.  I said no, even though I liked him.  He was a handsome young chef with pretty eyes.  One night I was on a date with a landscape architect and we ended up eating at Alex’s restaurant.  When my date went to the bathroom, Alex came to the table and said, “Why are you out with him, I saw you first.”  He was so immature, sincere and romantic. He had me.

Then he had the audacity so suggest to my hapless date  he should take me for an after dinner drink at another establishment.  They shook hands like buddies. Of course, 45 minutes latter, when we arrived at the next bar, Alex was already there, waiting for us.  I was blown away by his audacity.  The clueless landscape architect didn’t stand a chance.

If a guy did this kind of stuff today, some women would not only label him a stalker but get a restraining order.

Women, stop beating up the romantic in your life. You should be thrilled anyone likes you enough to try and win your affections. Appreciate their efforts.  Every time a man does something romantic he’s so vulnerable.  Romantics put them selves out there, in the middle of the road, for us. Stop running over them.

*tell me your story, leave a comment or you can always email to hampoland@gmail.com. Thanks, DH

Manly Divorce Lawyers

I saw the weirdest ad in the newspaper this week. It’s for a local attorney who specializes in divorce. He represents men for the most part and I swear in his ad it says, “If your doe is chasing other bucks, give me a call.” And he’s posing with an 8 point deer head. He goes on to say “your wife and children will lie about you and DHS will ruin your life.” And he backs that statement up with a bible verse from 1st Corinthians. I swear, there is no mention of DHS in my King James version of the bible. This guy totally creeps me out.

Two thirds of divorce proceedings in America are started by women and fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That’s a lot of girls hitting the door and waving good buy. ( I found a divorce calculator if you’re interested).

And when wives do end a marriage,  I guess men think the women are treated better by the judicial system. I can’t blame the guys for getting manly divorce lawyers who not only represent but protect. I was asked to look at the “one man firm” at Cordell&Cordell Reviews.
They represent dudes, but in an entirely different way than the previously mentioned crazy deer hunting lawyer. They council men on how to be smart during a divorce, they host seminars like “The Ten Stupid Things Men Do”. I can think of a few, including trying to cut their own hair and eating an entire large meat lovers pizza. Their phone number spells out “Dads Law” and they claim to be ‘a partner men can count on.”

So guys really are feeling like they’re getting shafted by the courts. Women leave men, file for the divorce and then win in court. It does sound like a pretty good deal for the girls. What a reverse in our society. The power has shifted.

Maybe it’s because men and women think about marriage differently. Men are told it’s time to “settle down”, but girls start thinking and dreaming about their wedding and marriage right about the time they get their first Barbie and Ken.  Girls  dream about their wedding. I’ve never known a boy who admitted to dreaming about his wedding would he close his eyes and imagine his tuxedo?  I don’t think so.

Guys kind of give up and get married, their expectations aren’t through the roof. Girls believe marriage will make them happy. And when it doesn’t match up to all her beautiful romantic dreams, when he watches tv instead of telling her she’s beautiful, when he stops noticing her dress or the color of her eyes….she calls a lawyer.