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Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

When a Couple Crosses the Line and Turns…..OLD!!

Saturday morning, I have to drive 14 year old Sandor to his job at 10:30 am.  He’s a busboy and a crazy popular pizza restaurant.  But today is different, I’ve convinced my husband, Alex, the sometimes curmudgeon, to drive with me and stop by the wonderful Hot Springs Farmers Market afterwards.

The top is down, I have a convertible, the morning is beautiful and our son, Sandor is in the back seat.

Alex looks over at me. ” I can’t believe you made me wear this sweatshirt.”

“Come on, it’s soft and nice and new, what’s the problem?”

“I like my old red sweatshirt. I don’t care what people think.”

“”You look really nice, though,” I pleaded.

“Sandor, she’s being mean to me.”

I rolled my eyes, looked at him and smiled, “What? I’m making you go to the Farmer’s Market on a beautiful Saturday morning. That’s so awful?  I’m sounding like a Jewish Grandmother, right?”

“What ever, the Elite Eight, NCAA,  first game starts in three hours.”

I playfully smacked him. “What ever, I’ll have you home two hours before tip off. Just enjoy the morning.”

And then were were silent for a moment.  I looked in the rear view mirror and locked eyes with Sandor. He smiled at me. “What? What are you grinning about?” I asked him.

He just shook his head, “You guys are adorable.”

We got Sandor to his job on time.  I stopped the car and looked at Alex, “Adorable. He called us adorable. You know what that means?”

Alex pulled a cigarette out, waiting to get out of the car so he could smoke it. “Hell yeah, he’s calling us old.”

“Exactly!” I said.

“It’s ok, we still got it,” Alex said to me, trying to dismiss the fact Sandor called us “adorable.”

Alex and I now comfortably fall into old people grumbling, bickering, bitching.

I looked at him. “We still got it?”

“Hell yeah,” he replied ruefully, like a dude from The Outsiders.

“Well ok then. Let’s tear up the Farmer’s Market.”

*Apparently I will never ever, ever get back on Google Adsense, cause nine years ago I messed up.  That means I’ll probably never make money from this blog.  So….you comments and support mean everything…otherwise why would I write.  Let me know what you think. Please.

 

 

 

What Happens When You Treat Your Man Like A Dog?

I have a really good husband. We’ve been married for twenty or twenty two years.  We both always forget.  We also have two really wonderful dogs.

Aries is a German Shepard/Wolf hybrid.  I thought I was buying a simple female German Shepard. A fat man in a red corvette lied to me.

And then there’s Spots.  He’s a stocky white dog with weird brown spots.  He’s a pit bull mix that showed up in our yard, emaciated, with cigarette burns on his head.  I swore I would never have anything to do with a Pit Bull of any kind, but all this dog does is wag wag his branch like tail and he tries to make us happy.

Last night I was lying in bed watching a PBS show about barns in Arkansas.  Spots looked deep into my eyes and I started rubbing his silky ear.  “Look at those pretty spots on your ears. That one looks like an island, that one looks kinda like Cuba and that one looks like a water bottle. You have the prettiest spots, Spots.”

His club of a tail thumped heavily. He was in doggie heaven. So, he rolled on his back and snorted cheerfully.

A few minutes later Spots rolled over to stare at me again and I started rubbing his nose. Slowly, I ran my thumb down, between his eyes and I said, “You are so handsome.  Look at your weird eyes and think neck and sausage like tail.” In less than a minute he was asleep. So happy to be loved.

When was the last time I rubbed Alex’s ears?  I don’t think I ever have. Have I commented on his nose or ears lately….last week I told him I was going to trim his Eisenstein eyebrows or shave them off in his sleep. And what have I ever said about his tail? Maybe years ago.

You see where I’m going?  If we treated the people we love like the pets we love the world might be better.  Man, I would love it if Alex stroked my hair, scratched my neck or told me I was so beautiful and sweet, even though my breath smelled like roadkill.

I need to rethink good behavior, bad behavior and our reward system.

Sure, Spots and Aries give me unconditional love. But so does Alex.

 

 

He Doesn’t Know He’s Sexy

alex 21cLast night  I was wrestling with hamburgers on the grill. They were big fat burgers,  we always call “Love Burgers” (thanks Uncle Daley). I kept trying to flip them too soon so they wanted to fall apart.

Then, just as things started to take shape with my grilling efforts, I got distracted.

Alex was playing catch with thirteen year old Sandor in the yard and it was just about the cutest most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen.  Alex is still pretty slow moving because of his surgery in October. But he was trying.  Wearing a bulky catchers mitt, he gamely threw the ball at his son.  Unfortunately, every fourth or fifth throw the dog got involved and snatched the ball our of the air, or chased it down before Sandor could get to it.  Then there was a ridiculous chase scene that ended up as slobbery wrestling match.

Alex didn’t get annoyed or impatient. And when they were finished, Sandor walked past me and said, “that was awesome.”

I flipped the burgers again, looked up at the Lord and thanked him. Then I gave Alex a hug that he didn’t really understand. Standing there in his grubby jeans and old tee shirt he had no idea how much I loved him because he played baseball for a few minutes.

Men don’t seem to understand that the sexiest thing they can do is be a good dad. When they love their children and make them happy, women naturally find that not only desirable but smoking hot. It tells us we picked the right guy, our instincts were correct.  And you know how much women like to be right.

It was a sweet moment until Sandor walked back out of the house. We were still hugging and Alex had his hand on my butt.

Sandor interrupted, “Hey there Mister, keep that hand north of the equator.”

“But I like the equator, it’s warm,” Alex replied.

“Noooo,” Sandor replied and disappeared back into the house as the Love Burgers burned up on the grill.

 

 

Taking Care of Your Wife

wifeAlex and I are in an interesting place right now. He’s not working, at all. And I am For a multitude of reasons we decided for now and maybe forever he didn’t need to work and instead would stay home.

Everything has been lovely. He’s not nearly as stressed or exhausted, the house is in much better shape because he’s always been a better cleaner than me.  And on most evenings when I get home there’s a wonderful dinner waiting.  Having a chef at home has it’s rewards.

But I’ve had to fuss at myself several times because I do something he’s done in the past.  For years, I stayed home with the children. He’d come home from work after eight or ten hours and I was ready to talk.  I wanted him to pay attention to the things I’d accomplished while he was gone.

All the laundry was done, the kitchen was mopped, I painted the bathroom.  If Alex was dismissive or uninterested in my accomplishment I remember feeling really hurt and pouty. I felt that he thought my work was unimportant to the family and menial.

So, I’m trying not to be that kind of working jerk. I’m not going to let mys3elf walk in the house, say hello than sink into the couch to watch the news. I’m going to focus on him for a few minutes because he’s focused on us all day.  The truth is, I’m really really happy the house is so much cleaner and he’s finishing all kinds of projects.  I’m so happy I’m not the only one who has to deliver the missing notebook or trumpet to the school in the middle of the work day when a child forgets something.

So, husbands and wives out there. If you have someone at home taking care of business walk around and admire all the stuff they are accomplishing. Say thank you, repeatedly. You need clean clothes, you want dinner. You hate it when the kitchen floor is sticky.  And what does it cost you? Conversely, if you have a spouse who works  while you stay at home say Thank you so much!” Cause you get to sleep in a little if you want, cause you can sit down and watch 15 minutes of Grease in the middle of the day, because they are trying to take care of your family.  Finally, neither on of you needs to act like the martyr and sigh all the time, cause you’ve got it so rough. There are perks to both sides of this coin.

Just remember to take care of each other.

Stop Being A Jerk Face If You Want A Happy Marriage

I’ve been thinking about this for a few days. If you want a happy marriage or relationship here’s what you have to do. STOP BEING A BITCH or STOP BEING A JERK FACE.

 Wait, there’s a little bit more. The other absolute key to a happy relationship is this, both people have to care more about the other person’s happiness than their own. That’s it, now you can stop buying all the marriage self help books at the Mall. I’m gonna say it again but differently. If I care more about Alex than myself and he cares more about me, we can have a happy marriage because we take care of each other, we look out for each other and we try to find stupid ass ways to make each other happy.  Example: He gave me a yellow ukulele with a dolphin on it for Mother’s day and I’ve stopped getting crazy like a crack head because he won’t cut his hair. Now we are both happier.

Yes, I promise you my husband will frustrate me so badly I want to jab a hot poker in my ear but at the end of the day his happiness is extremely important to me and he worries that I don’t eat enough meat.

Here’s something else you can do to improve your chances of a happy relationship…try smiling at each other at least once a day. Make sure you say something nice to each other ever day…seriously…for some reason after a few  years of marriage the “bitch switch” gets flipped  and we stop saying nice stuff to each other. Well, if you want to be happy CUT THAT OUT.

A few weeks ago, asI was walking to the car Alex said something silly like “you look too hot to go to work”.  That cheesy ass line made me happy for three days.

A couple of days ago I told him his biceps felt like they were getting bigger and he spent ten minutes flexing and telling me how buff he’d become.

Most men do not want to be all tangled up in emotional support systems involving hurt feelings, tone of voice and intended meaning. When we talk about that stuff the average male literally stops listening and slips into a mini-coma. It doesn’t mean they don’t love usit just means they are dudes. The same thing happens to me when Alex uses the carburetor.  

All guys want is for a woman to notice them, have sex, eat meat and not get screamed at because they are men.

And what do women want? Somebody to tell us we are pretty, help around the house sometimes and a man who is a good dad. It’s that simple.

So, if you want a great marrige stop bitching and be nice.

A Wal-Mart Marriage

Should you marry her?  I don’t know, but here are some rules about marriage and dating that usually go unnoticed

1. Don’t marry a person if you don’t have fun in Wal-Mart together. Seriously, if he doesn’t think it’s funny when you juggle three kiwis, if you get bored when he’s looking at tools and camo crap, if you don’t find some people to secretly make fun of, don’t get married. Married life is made up of Wal-Mart moments, if it’s not fun, forget it.

2. Don’t marry that person if you are already sitting in restaurants together poking at your mashed potatoes in silence. You don’t want to be that couple. If you can’t find anything to talk about now, it’s going to be a long silent marriage.

3. Finally, don’t marry that person if you don’t have the same philosophy on child discipline.  Religion, politics, even television differences can be worked out. But it’s very hard to compromise when it comes to the kids.  If she believes in spanking and you think it’s stupid and ineffective don’t get married. If he thinks letting kids watch R rated slasher movies is cool and you’re a PG kind of person… don’t do it.

There are lots of other rules you should pay attention to but here’s the big one and it comes from my husband Alex. “If love hurts, you’re doing it wrong.” If love makes you cry, if it makes you miserable, if it doesn’t make you feel like a better and stronger person…don’t marry them.

Do Not Marry A Chef…And Take Off That Big White Hat

Do not marry a chef, man or woman. And don’t ever ever consider being a chef.  I say this knowing full well if you are in love with a chef, it’s too late. You’ll follow your stupid heart and marry him. If you have a passion for food and flavor, your life is over because you will follow your heart into the kitchen and then the walk-in.

Still I feel it is my duty to write these words. Do not become a chef because at fifty you will not look like Gordon Ramsey.

Here’s what happens when you become a chef. I know becasue I’ve been married to a brilliant one for twenty years.

You will work 10-14 hours a day, six days a week. Chances are you will miss most major holidays because those are huge food service days. Your children will have to hunt for Easter eggs in the late afternoon, after Sunday Brunch. You will celebrate New Year’s Eve with your honey at 2:00am, after you’ve cleaned up kitchen. And after feeding hundreds of patrons on Thanksgiving you’ll come home (around 4pm) to a smiling family and a table covered with a traditional Thanksgiving feast. But the last thing you’ll want is turkey and dressing because you just finished cooking and serving fifteen twenty pound turkeys, you prepared forty pounds of stuffing, three gallons of gravy, twenty pumpkin pies and thirty five pounds of mashed potatoes.

Still, you will sit down with your family, your feet and back aching, and you will try to choke down dinner  as though it’s the finest meal you’ve ever had when all you want is a beer and a peanut butter sandwich.

If you marry a chef the first question everyone will as is, “Does he cook for you at home”? Hellll no.  The last thing a chef wants to do at night is cook. Maybe he’ll mow, he’ll vacuum, he’ll help with homework but for the most part chefs do not want to cook at night.  If I bring home a really lovely piece of meat, or salmon he’ll take over. And sometimes,  he’ll thrill me with a sauce, a Bordelaise or Wild Mushroom and Sherry Sauce and it’s all worth while.

Escoffier was the king of chefs and the chef of kings. He was the man who, theoretically, got chefs out of the dungeon like basements of Europe.  but things really haven’t changed much for these impassioned artists.

Most chefs, no matter how extraordinary, don’t have a 401K, they don’t have a retirement plan and they have crappy insurance.

If you are already in love with a chef or with being a chef, good luck. Things will work out and there are positive aspects to the chef life. Alex actually wooed me by making apple birds for Mary’s kindergartenclass. Now that’s love and that’s sexy. Anytime we go out waitresses, dishwasher and kitchen staff treat us like royalty and he can always figure the food cost on any meal. And when there’s absolutely nothing to eat, Alex can make dinner with some kind of crazy chef/McGyver skills.

So…buy some new knives, a new cookbook, put on an apron and clogs, but try not to walk into a professional kitchen, you may never get out alive.