Posts Tagged ‘Breast Cancer’

Big Bad Boobs

boobs1Boobs, they aren’t worth it, especially big ones.  Guys have no idea what a bother boobs are. Sure, they are fun to have around at first, but then the problems begin.

For me, the problems started in Junior High.  My boobs showed up and suddenly my breast stroke and crawl slowed down. I wasn’t comfortable on the swim team anymore.  And I had a tennis coach whom I adored, but I now realize was a wretched human being.  When my boobs arrived he started making jokes about them bouncing around when I ran across the court “There goes Boom Boom” ….so I quite the team. (All this happened before the invention of the sports bra.)  I wish Serena Williams could find this man now and beat him with her tennis racket on my behalf.

Most guys love big boobs, but they have no idea how expensive they can be.  Sure, you can buy an off the rack bra at Wal-Mart for fourteen dollars but the never ending pinching, pulling and poking will make anyone insane.  Men, you can’t imagine what it’s like to have two nine inches pieces of wire and a whole lot of elastic and hooks up under your shirt. If you have money you can get fitted for a bra that fits perfectly and feels great, but those cost between $40 and $100 dollars.

Men, have you ever paid $50 dollars for a pair of underwear? And that’s just for one bra, we have to have several in the drawer. Hopefully you have several pairs of briefs available.

So poor women or middle class women, with big boobs, who can’t afford to get fitted in a specially shop, are really in a miserable place. That’s not fair!

And then there’s breast cancer.  My family has been blessed. We have not had to battle breast cancer. But men can’t possibly imagine this situation. Sure you have prostate cancer, but your prostate hasn’t been something you showed off over the years, hasn’t been something sought after or ogled. Suddenly, a breast, which theoretically has been thing of beauty, something that fed your sweet hungry children, is bad.

Boobs get in the way when we run, sleep and jump on trampolines. Most men love them but they hold us back. I’m so conflicted, angry and I am not a fan.

Fortunately, my husband one hundred percent disagrees with me.



Very few body parts have as many nicknames as breasts, so hey must be important. We call our hands…hands, our shin is just a shin. But breasts are boobs, ta-tas, boobies, hooligans, the girls, the list goes on and on. Jugs and Hooters, wait, we love boobs so much we have restraunts dedicated to them.  No other body part can make that claim.
Yesterday I heard a program about breasts on NPR (figures, right?) and I learned some fascinating stuff.

Breast size in America has increased considerably in the past ten-twenty years. Double D used to be the largest size, now it’s something like Triple K. Still breast augmentation is the number one plastic surgery performed.  300,000 women get boob jobs every year!  But fake breasts only have a shelf  life of ten years!  I thought they lasted forever. But after ten years your supposed to have them checked out and maybe redone.

Little girls in America are getting breasts at a much younger age. 30 percent start showing up when they are just nine years old. There are several possible reasons for this early delivery. Lots of little girls are heavier now and if you are overweight you develop at a younger age. Chemicals, not just in our food, but in almost everything we touch may be to blame.  There is a chemical in most plastics that acts like a fake hormone.  It’s in our computer mouse, water bottles, car interiors. It’s pretty hard to avoid. And finally, girls who don’t live with two blood parents tend to develop earlier. I think that reason is really fascinating.

Breasts are considered organs and after the skin, they are most likely to get cancer.  It’s all that fat, just hanging around and absorbing toxins.

No pair of breasts are exactly the same size and generally the left is bigger than the right, but nobody knows why.

And finally,In Hong Kong, you can get a degree in Bra Studies from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University where they teach you how to design and build a bra.

In our house “nipple” is one of the funniest words you can say.  If you say “nipple, nipple, nipple” half my family rolls around giggling.  My husband wanted to name the cat “Nipple” but was voted down.

I think it’s great that so many men are dedicated to breasts. We have something they don’t and they love us for it. But guys, you still need to work on looking women in the eye instead of staring at cleavage when we are trying to tell you something really important. Thanks.

Comment or email me at hampoland@gmail.com!