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Almost Naked With A Stranger

tanMy brother Jack, used to say, “brown fat is better than white fat”. I know it’s not politically correct and pretty ugly but it’s actually true.

This weekend I have the honor of standing in the middle of an octagon, an MMA fight cage, as an announcer.  The event is taking place outside so I’m wearing a cute little purple sleeveless dress.  I’ve been out in the sun a lot but my legs were still distressingly white and 100 of folks will be looking at me….. so I decided to get a spray tan.

The fact that MMA fans tolerate a middle aged white lady as an announcer at a cage fight is pretty bizarre but a middle aged white lady who’s kind of pasty seemed like to much. Vanity gripped me like a boa constrictor.  I made an appointment.

I was told to shave and exfoliate that morning. And I wasn’t supposed to wear any deodorant or make-up.

All morning I considered my options. Should I just swing for the bleachers and strip naked when the girl spray painted me? Should I keep my panties and on? Should I wear a swimming suit. If I took off my bra were they going to paint under my boobs and how was that going to happen?

I actually like tan lines so I decided to go with panties and bra with no straps. And I made sure I didn’t wear granny panties. A tan line around my belly button wouldn’t be hot.

The spray tan artist was wonderful as she instructed me to turn this way and that, to lift my arms and spin around. She thought my bra was cute, that made me feel better. When she started squirting, it was cold as hell and I felt my white…soon to be bronze skin turn into goose flesh

Me coming out of R2D2. I'm Glowing!Once she was finished painting me I was given a towel to cover myself and walked to a stand up tanning booth. It looked just like a giant R2D2. Dropping my towel I stepped in, grabbed the vertical bars in front of me and listened as she closed the doors behind me. Then I was flooded by ultra violet light and blowing fans.  I was pretty sure I was about to be “beamed up or down” to a new location, maybe Tupolo Mississippi or Smackover.

When I finished drying  my skin still felt sticky almost tacky to touch. The artist girl told me not to sweat for the next eight hours or I’d get streaky.  She told me rainy days are a nightmarish for spray tans. She has to wrap women up in plastic bags and get them in their cars without getting wet.  If she doesn’t they end up splattered and polka-dotted.

It’s been four hours. I keep looking at my bronze arms.  I can’t decided if I look silly or hot. I just hope all those cage fight fans appreciate the things I go through  for them and I hope it doesn’t rain so I don’t leave a big tan puddle in the middle of the octagon….nothing sexy about that.

 

 

 

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7 Responses to “Almost Naked With A Stranger”

  1. June 13th, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    Amelia says:

    Oh my Lord!!! That’s the funniest thing in the world. Smackover!! Now the rest of us middle aged pasty ladies will know what to expect. Thank you for the tutorial.

  2. June 14th, 2013 at 3:32 am

    diana hampo says:

    then I got home and alex said, your arms are ok butt your but looks kind of gray. dang

  3. June 13th, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    Neal says:

    The things girls think that we men look at never ceases to amaze me. As a seasoned observer of women, often with friends, I can’t recall a single incident when a buddy said she’s okay but she’d be hotter if she was tanned.
    However, if it’s a self-confidence booster then I suppose it was worth it. But believe me, most men will be more excited by cleavage then by well bronzed arms. Just sayin.

  4. June 14th, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Tracy Barrett says:

    Coming from my experience of being the whitest girl I know, I will tell you I’ve done the spray tan. It’s all cool until it starts wearing off. It’s probably the most unsexy experience ever. Then you look at pictures at a later date and realize you looked a very unflattering shade of orange and you decide to scratch it off of any to do list that you may write for the rest of eternity. Just sayin…;)

  5. June 17th, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    diana hampo says:

    Tracy, I remember you spray tan! it was remarkable.

  6. June 15th, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Capri Dillon says:

    From one pasty white middle aged lady to another, thanks for the good laugh!!
    And now, when I hear something about the town of Smackover mentioned, I will ALWAYS think about this article! LOL

  7. June 17th, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    diana hampo says:

    Capri, I keep looking at my legs and thinking, “is that my leg?” I don’t know how long it will last. Everytime I take a shower a little bit runs down the drain.